I know this much is true

So true, funny how it seems,

Always in time, but never time for dreams.

Head over heels when toe to toe,

This is the sound of my soul

To thine own self be true. This bears repeating a million times because it is so relevant. There have been times when I have actually questioned myself and wanted to throw in the towel on this. The self-examination is exhausting and it can be cruel. If you are like me, you are your worst critic. We have to remember that we are doing this for ourselves and because we want to! In every other capacity of life, we are true to ourselves, and this time should be no different. This is a mantra that has less to do with being true and genuine to yourself and more to do with understanding, enjoying and appreciating yourself. The old ladies say and it is true that you must first be good company to yourself before you can be anything to others. Which brings me to my next point:

Flying solo isn't so bad.

I'm known to walk alone

but I'm alone for a reason...

A pack is only good on a hunt where the objective is to kill. If your plan here (like mine) is to find and keep, you will be better off on solo missions. There is an episode of Seinfeld where Elaine likens it to catching a squirrel. She says " When you are trying to catch a squirrel, you don't go up to it and scream HEY!!! SQUIRREL!!!! No, you gently and quietly set your trap and coax it with lots of little squirrel treats. When we invite our friends, in large quantities, we run the risk of scaring off our potential suitor, or worse scaring off theirs.

There are other ways that rolling with a large group of "girlz" can be more cumbersome than you realize.
Today I took myself out to lunch and was amused (or frustrated) by a conversation by two girlfriends at the next table. One friend was trying to convince the other to address the issue of exclusivity with her man. Basically providing her with all the advice she could stand. Something I learned from the boys a long time ago is that we (women) tend to allow our (single) friends to have too much input with our relationships, and later wonder what went wrong?? Remember ladies, as you embark on this journey, less is more. Travel light. This also frees us up to another quality guys have that we don't: The ability to stick and move. When a man flops (in life or in love), he goes to his corner, licks his wounds and gets back in the game. On the other hand, when we mess up (whether in love, with a family member or at work), we spend countless hours commiserating. My divorce taught me a lot about how mulling over things and analyzing them does not make them better and it does not make the pain go away. It only makes them stick around a lot longer than they need to. Being angry or sad doesn't make you feel better. I have fallen off the romance horse too many times to count, but I am committed to this and as a result, I just get back up, dust off and get back on. Failed attempts do not make me a failure. If this dating has been taking it's toll on you, keep moving. You know the saying: If at first you don't succeed......blah blah blah.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing better than having a shoulder to cry on or a pal to share a laugh with, but you must take inventory of the people in your life who are in your corner. And shed yourself of those who are weighing you down. Everyone has an agenda, hey, even your mother just wants grand kids. We all have those friends that are on a different program. You want a quiet stress free weekend, they want to party. You are on a diet, her life is a giant buffet. You are trying to get your budget together, shopping is a way of life. You are looking for a quality relationship, she is auditioning for women gone wild. You are a social butterfly, she is a hermit crab. It is our nature to attract different kinds of people in our lives. Some have even said that our friends are merely an extension of ourselves. A different part of our personalities, if you will. However, if you have a friend or friendship that has become laborious in your quest for your other half, it may be time to evaluate the friendship. I now understand how friendships come to an end when one of the friends starts dating or gets married. That is why I am suggesting you evaluate your friendships NOW. On this journey, your friends will make their opinions known. They will either openly support you or criticize you quietly. In these times, observe actions more than you listen to words. Are they really on your side or in your way??

WARNING: A woman alone is dangerous!!

I have had some of my most infamous encounters on solo missions. I have met exciting men, gone to exotic places, been in parts of my own city that I didn't even know existed, been swept away by a stranger all by myself. Besides the obvious safety in numbers philosophy that we learn as little girls, in certain social (safe) settings, it is perfectly okay to be by yourself. Sure people will put the DIVA label on you, but I'm convinced that in the original definition, DIVA means a sometimes lonely lady. This should not be a stigma. Think of the DIVAs that come to mind. When observed, these women are not in large packs. Few women are actually on their level. They are equally captivating and intimidating, but a formidable gentleman will take the risk. I like to think that few are on my level. It sounds conceited, I know, but really if I don't think highly of myself, then who will? I know my limits and I work daily to exceed them. I am really trying to be the best that I can be to last me all of my days.

So there's your task: get to know yourself and really enjoy your own company. If you find yourself lonely instead of alone, get a dog!!!

Just another day

February 14 has a very special place in my heart. Not for the obvious reasons. It is, well was, my wedding anniversary. Corny, I know, but hey, we went to Vegas and it was the special that weekend. Like most girls, I can't resist a special.
The other special nuance about February 14th is it coincides with High School Basketball Division Playoffs in my region. Many a winter, my now ex-husband and I would be forced to cancel or rearrange our dinner reservations to catch the game. That's just how important sports is to me. There is a concept in tournament play involving seeding and strategic losses. Believe it or not, if you are not the all out winner, it can sometimes be in your best interest to have a strategic loss. By losing, your seeding can give you a favorable position in tournament breakdowns. See, the best team always plays the worst team and the second best plays the second worst and so on. In a situation where the 4th-7th teams are not so evenly matched, a strategic loss can give a so-so team and advantage.
Being single is like that too. Sometimes you may have to lose to win. I know it's Valentine's day. I know it can be the single person's nemisis, but think for a minute of that friend of yours who on the outside has all the trappings of the love gods favor. This is a difficult time for that person. There are obligations and responsibilities, that they may not even want or be prepared for. It almost becomes a cliche and "unfun" (if that's even a word). For me and my ex, it lost any value or meaning because we knew we HAD to celebrate it. The real fun for us was the one thing we couldn't predict: the outcome of the game.
Your attached friends and family members go through the motions of V-Day and for all we know they are barely speaking to their significant other. Their relationship may be on skids, but for V-Day they put up a front. They are among that second seed team playing "not to lose." In sports, this is called : Prevent Offense. It actually causes even the best teams to lose.
I think it is best to be happy single than to be miserable with someone else. It is true that sometimes you have to lose to win. It doesn't make you a loser. You are a winner in the long run when you can take inventory and recognize that you have yourself intact. If you are ready to dive back into the dating pool like me, you have options. The first is to get out of your own way. You gotta like you first. Having said all that, this year don't forget to treat yourself like you love you.
One of my mantras, during some undisclosed ephiphany was:
See who you want and be who you want in the mirror.
See who you love and be who you love in the mirror.
Yep ladies, that's right: To thine own self be fabulous. There are numerous opportunities out there and you have to be there and be ready.

When I was home for the holidays, I shared my blog with my (sometimes cynical and ever critical) cousin. She asked me for quick easy ways to meet guys. I gave her my short list of suggestions:
1. Be where they are- sporting events, sports bars,the gym, resaraunts. It is a myth that there are all these cute guys in church and the grocery store. If they are at the grocery store, they are in the "already prepared food" isle, or they are somebody's husband.
2. Volunteer- Habitat for Humaity and Political Campaigns are excellent for finding a man who is good with his hands or has a strong opinion. You will at least find a sparring partner or get your faucets fixed (both of them).
3. GET ACTIVE- Any sports here works. Run a marathon, go snowboarding, take surf lessons. It's where the boys are when the girls are in the mall. Volunteer at your local gym for scorekeeping or officiating recreation league sports.
4. The next time you get your car serviced, don't forget to speak to the service manager about extras like detailing and connects for your vehicle. BOYS LIKE CARS.
5. Tell a friend. You have friends who don't know you are ready to be back on the market. You haven't told them because you think this makes you sound desparate. YOU ARE NOT!!!! Don't be mad if they think that. You have no control over what people think. Just enjoy the personal references. Some will be misses, but there may be a hit among them. When you need a new beautician, nail person, mechanic or any other service professional, you rely on referrals, why should this be any different? Call it networking, and roll with it.

Don't miss an opportunity during these long winter months to enjoy your own company. I guarantee you that others will notice and you will have your options available. It is options, not diamonds, that are a girl's best friend. My friends tell me it's my phermones that cause the fellas to gravitate towards me. I disagree. I have more fun when I am walking my dog, than most people have all day. Fun is contagious. It is attractive and it is the best accessory.


So remember to get yourself out there and more importantly, ENJOY YOURSELF, ENJOY YOURSELF, ENJOY YOURSELF FOR ME!

Superbowl Sunday

Everything I know about life
I learned from FOOTBALL.


By now you know that I am a sports fan. As Superbowl XLI approaches I am inspired (in the weirdest way)to show how this relates to our quest. Yes I said OUR. I know I am not alone, and I'm not just counting those voices in my head. My latest epiphanies are:

Losses don't make losers
There will be losses and victories along the way, but it doesn't mean you won't make it to your ultimate goal. The teams in the hunt for the Superbowl have actually lost games throughout this season, but they have continued to play the game and play the numbers. A winning team knows that they just have to out win the other team. As elementary as that sounds, in dating, it is easy to become discouraged by a setback or loss. We have to remember that we will fall off this horse (unicorn) many times. Our determination to get back on will be the thing that keeps us in the hunt for our goals. A sports cliche is WINNERS WIN.

The season is long.
Anything worth having is worth waiting for. 18 games into the NFL season, a winner has not been selected yet. Even for teams who have had their final loss, there is preparation for next year. The game never ends. The winning team thinks of ways to keep winning and the losing team studies ways to defeat the other teams. Players are traded, coaches are fired, trainers are hired. Work is constant. If this were a process that took place overnight, I wouldn't be typing and you wouldn't be reading.
It may take a few seasons to build a winning team. There will even be turmoil, confusion, trades and free agents that come along and change the overall appearance of your "dream team", but the goal remains.

Nothing really good is easy to find:
One of the things that has made my second single life more complicated is the pool of men is much more shallow. In college, there were men everywhere. I was never at a loss for a date. The numbers were just a little better. But as I look back, they weren't really so great. If we are honest with ourselves, there may have been a couple cute Kappas, that one sexy Que and those few Alphas with potential. As a matter of fact, if they were worth a darn, we would have left college with our MRS degree.

Ain't nothing like the real thing:
I have friends who have resorted to all the cute, new little web based services that promise to fix you up with your one true love. They boast of large databases and intricate personality profiles. The Internet has changed the world. It has offered things at a lightening fast pace, but there are some things in life where you might want to kick the tires. In modern sports this takes the form of FANTASY SPORTS, an entirely re-invented form of the game where couch potatoes can create their own dream team by pretending to be General Managers who pick and choose the best statistical players. Weekly stats are computed for individuals to make up team scores and fake winners and losers are chosen. IT is quite complicated and has NO REAL basis in the sport. IT is MAKE BELIEVE; FAKE; PRETEND. Men however, prefer the term FANTASY.
I use the Internet (obviously) for a number of things and I compare the dating pages to the shopping pages. Whether on the web or in the mall, the rules of shopping still apply: SHOP AROUND. I think you all can relate to shopping experience. When you are looking for that special pair of patent leather slingbacks with a 3" stacked wooden heel, in your size and in your budget, rarely do you find it on your first trip to the mall. Even on line, you may visit several sites and never find that one special thing. So, what is it you say I suggest we do? Keep looking! Keep working!
KEEP PLAYING and in the words of Oakland Raiders' owner AL DAVIS:

JUST WIN BABY

Game Time

There's rules to this thing,
I made myself a manual

Even though I consider this dating thing somewhat of a game. A game I have plunged into with both feet. It is important to recognize that games are to be PLAYED. Of course, the desired outcome is to win, but in this game you have to first define [the thrill of] VICTORY and [the agony of]DEFEAT. If it is overcoming fear of being with someone; Fear of being alone; finding my ONE TRUE LOVE (for the 2nd time); finding someone to just pass the time; reestablishing ones self in the "singles market." The list can be long, but basic game rules that still apply are:
Keep your game face on at all times. I'm not just talking about your impeccable M.A.C. face. There will be situations where you will feel your flawless exterior, no matter how well polished, beginning to crack under the pressure. Many times, this pressure has actually been self-created. Remember to consider the source of the stress. If it is you, then YOU MUST STOP IT. Get out of your own way and allow things to progress on their own, let go of the reigns. Hold on to your game face and preserve it.

Don't over react. Avoid the urge to kill a gnat with a sledgehammer. There will be BIG things that happen. Conversely, there will be small things that will happen. It is important that the reaction fits the event. To coin a phrase: "Don't sweat the small stuff." When he misses your call, shows up late, doesn't get the door, can't remember that you are scared of spiders, loves golf more than you, etc., tantrums must be kept to a minimum. Think about the famous basketball coach Bobby Knight. He is more famous for his OVER reaction (throwing a chair) than his coaching skills. He has one of the best records in the NCAA, but his behavior has overshadowed his knowledge. Too many tantrums can leave a lasting impression and misrepresent those things that make you special.

NO RISK NO REWARD
In high stakes games and investment banking it is sometimes necessary to take a gamble. Extend yourself a little beyond your comfort zone. Take that deep step. The higher the risk, the greater the reward. You must first assess an appropriate value to your desired outcome and your worse case scenario. You must be willing to sacrifice it at some point for the sake of saving it. Yes ladies, there are times when we have to lose to win. What we must never lose, though, is ourselves. That's why a rule to remember is: To thine own self be true

Last but certainly not least: HAVE FUN!!!!
This is not supposed to be torture. It is supposed to be fun. If it becomes too stressful, or you find yourself thinking, saying or doing things that are out of character for yourself, then by all means: CALL TIME OUT. Don't quit, just catch your breath, REGROUP and get back in there!!!

IT'S GAME TIME!!

Rollercoasters

The whole purpose of going to amusement parks is to get on the biggest baddest roller coaster you can stand right? Even if that means enduring that long line filled with antsy children, hormone enraged adolescents who can't think of any other way to pass the time than to make out and annoying adults wearing the forsaken fanny pack. I believe there is only one thing worse than tolerating all of these things for hours to scream at the top of your lungs for the 2.5 minutes of the actual ride and that is a new convenience of modern technology: the scream cam. It's that camera set up to take your picture at the very worse possible time. When you are screaming, crying, and yelling with your hair going in many directions, never to return. To add insult to injury, many places actually charge a fee for you to purchase this photo.
In the 70's dance hit: Love Roller coaster, the ebb and flow of love sounds so fun and catchy. Then there is reality. See when you become involved in this dating roller coaster, you must be prepared for the twists and turns ahead. There is no sign before you get to the front about women expecting are discouraged from riding without the approval of a doctor. No one to give you the cursory warnings of an amusement park employee over that cute little microphone: "Keep all valuables close to you and your arms and legs in the car at all times. Remain seated and if your seat harness is loose, please let a member of the scream team assist you. For your own safety remember to keep all personal items on your person at all times. Lastly (and this is my favorite), we are not responsible for articles lost or stolen."
These warnings all apply to dating..
Women expecting are discouraged from riding. That's right. If you expect this to be a smooth and pleasant experience, GET OFF NOW. If you really think Prince Charming is waiting at the end of this line, please head directly to Fairytale land where the rides are smoother and there is neither a height requirement nor a warning label.

And YES, you are going to lose personal items and things that are valuable to you. Things like your sanity, your peace of mind and your self respect. That is of course, if you don't keep them close to you and inside the car at all times.

UPS, DOWNS, TWISTS and TURNS are subject to occur at anytime and without warning. There are days in dating where YOU LIKE HIM more than
HE LIKES YOU, but then HE WANTS YOU more than
YOU WANT HIM, however, YOU NEED TIME TOGETHER and
he wants TIME APART.
This ebb and flow changes so much that YOU HATE HIM when
HE LOVES YOU and then YOU WANT SPACE, but
HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU and you think you CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIS PHONE CALL and then you wish
he would just SHUT UP.
He thinks YOU ARE TOO CONTROLLING, but
he just wants you to TAKE A STAND and MAKE THE DECISIONS, then
you TALK TOO MUCH, but then you are TOO QUIET and he thinks
YOU POUT when
you ask him WHAT HE'S THINKING
he asks you WHAT'S THE MATTER
and the answer to both questions is a resounding NOTHING!!!
Before you know it, you have become the woman in the scream cam photo, just an ugly version of yourself that you hardy recognize.

100 days and nights

"I'm dying for some action!
I'm sick of sittin round here trying to write this book.
I need love reaction,
C'mon baby give me just one look.
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire.
Even if we're just dancing in the
dark. "

Springstein

I must admit, the ride thus far has been nothing less than a rollercoaster. This whole adventure has been fun even in the low moments. One of the reasons I am even documenting this is so that YOU can get your nerve up and do the same.
What have I learned:
1. That there are Good men out there (no pun intended), and that they aren't that hard to find. The dilemma is that we have to reprogram our philosophy of what a good man is and what it takes to get, have and keep one. I for one, am the first to admit, that I prefer a, shall we say, rugged guy. Nice guys frequently finish last with me. I had to change this mindset and start saying perhaps to the nice guys and you know what I found??? It's what I didn't find: DRAMA. At first I chalked this up to boredom. Then I missed it. Finally I got used to dating without it, and you know what? It's not so bad.
2. That we often limit ourselves when we limit others.
Whether it is our friends, our co-workers or other acquaintances, we are all guilty of having preconceived notions and putting others in the very boxes we feel we are too fabulous to be in. When you start seeing other people as whole individuals with as much good to offer the universe as you think you have, then your doors will naturally open. This part of the journey has been the most fun for me, because I consider myself open minded. I had no idea how narrow minded I was about people until I applied these same principles to MEN...Amazing but true. You have to give them the benefit of the doubt too.
3. That it is easier to observe a problem than to work towards a solution.
I really did think that my being "single" was a circumstance I was not in control of. I really thought there were no quality suitors out there for me and I really began to believe that I was doomed to date the usual suspects until I got tired of running. This was a very passive position to take, and very NOT ME, but one I did because it was easier. This continues to be real work, and at times difficult, but I would not change back now.
4. That being alone is a choice few of us actually make.
When given the choice, we'd all like to be with somebody. What we do is make excuses about why we are not with that somebody by creating a superhero. An unattainable, unavailable counterpart based on our own dillusional concepts of who we'd like to be and who that fake part of us would like to be with. It is a tricky little web and more than that, it is a fairytail

Epiphany

I just want someone to say to me

I'll always be there when you wake.

You know, I'd like to keep my cheeks

dry today.

So stay with me and we'll have it made.

Lately, I have been quite jealous of my ex-husband. Tragic huh?? When I think about how easy it was for him to move on. Go forth. Embark on a new life as if all of the time and energy and love and all that we had was no more significant a choice than " smoking or non". His uncanny ability to detach himself from our marriage seemed effortless and leads me to the conclusion that if you don't hold on to something too tightly, you won't have a problem letting go. I thought I was an easy, breezy kind of person who rolled with life's punches. And I am. Life has thrown me many a lemon and I have been a lemonade making girl. I know how to cut my losses and move on to the next hurdle...

Except when it comes to LOVE. Which is why, for the most part, I have spent the better part of my second single life avoiding anyone and anything that looked like LOVE, even in disguise.
Dating men who had nothing REAL or CONCRETE to offer me emotionally, has been a way of keeping my emotions/feelings to myself. I am now realizing that just because they are with me, doesn't mean they are safe.

Girls, I think the great epiphany I have come to today is that our feelings/emotions don't grow in our safe place. Our emotions, or LOVE if you prefer, can not blossom in the safe warm dark box we store them in. They are not pictures or priceless heirlooms that will fade with exposure to the light. Despite how fragile they seem, our emotions are meant to be experienced and shared with and by others. By withholding, we are doing ourselves a disservice. It's time to show your hand. It's like keeping a Porsche in the garage. What's the point? Our emotions/feelings are our Porsches and they deserve to be driven FULL THROTTLE.

Love isn't love until you give it away.

As I try to "give it away, give it away, give it away now", I am caught up in the shoppers' fate ; have you ever been window shopping and everything looked perfect and the second you have money to spend, nothing in the store is "worth it". Even in your favorite store!!!! That is my new dilemma. The opportunities for quality dating have presented themselves and suddenly even a Saint looks like a sinner. I don't think the pickings have ever been slim, but my perception has changed. When I embarked upon this journey, I thought the response of men would change once I made myself formally available, but the men have been here all along. It is my attitude towards them now, which has shifted. Casual flings that were once acceptable to me, continue to come my way. Men are actually willing to offer more to, not run from, a woman who says what she wants. I know I thought they'd head for the hills, but they haven't and now I am in a quandary. What do you do when you find what you're looking for?

THUNDER ONLY HAPPENS WHEN IT'S RAINING

So here I go, I see the Crystal Vision
I keep my visions to myself

What can we do when we just stop believing in the feelings? I am naturally an optimistic and outgoing friendly person. But I must admit: Sorting out the dating game can be exhausting. I think the Fleetwood Mac quote relevant here is: Players only love you when they're playing.
In dating we are used to the formalities of the games, the lies, the stories that have been embellished and eventually the truth which pales in comparison.
It is the fear of appearing vulnerable and boring that perpetuate the stories. We even tell them. Stories are always so much better than the truth huh? I have been hearing some good stories lately about things like babies-mammas, ex-girlfriends who were sooo selfish and cruel. It makes us look bad ladies when HIStory is told. It makes me wonder how our books in high school would have been written if the Native Americans could have edited them. It requires a woman in the dating game (cause that's what it is) to be a detective. A bone collector. Just waiting for the skeleton bones to fall out inadvertently in conversation. This is very complicated for me and I really HATE it, but in the interest of this blog I am listening to an even NEWER batch of fables being woven by some that would put Aesop to shame. How can one man in one life withstand so much heartache, rejection and just romantic misfortune. I tell you ladies, it is amazing what a man will say when it is his turn to tell the tale. This month, I encourage you all to listen with your good ear. See what you hear that you have never heard before. If your experiences play out like mine, you will be amazed and amused. Here in the south I have been acquainted with an old saying that goes, if it doesn't come out in the wash, it will come out in the rinse. Fleetwood Mac brings that line to a close with the most important point: When the rain washes you clean you'll know. Just let the story tell itself, the truth is bound to come out. Don't lose your patience with the players, the naysayers and all the other cast of characters. Just get out there (please) and date with an open mind. Enjoy.

UNICORNS

Okay, finally. I have cast my net and a couple of worthwhile catches have come my way, and I have to admit that this whole thing is easier in theory than in practice. These past few weeks have taught me two important things about myself that you may already know about yourself:

1. The chase is the best part. I gave my number to a really attractive guy in a social situation where it was made perfectly clear that I was single and looking (hey that's what friends are for...Think back to high school). Well I made the first contact. I called him first and for a whole 2 days (as is the custom) he did NOT call me back. I was crushed!!! Even more, though, I was intrigued. Those two days made me really think he was not that interested in getting to know me. I began to question his motivation for even exchanging numbers with me. Who did He think HE was??? Then, like clockwork, my phone rang. The phone call in and of itself was quite anticlimactic.

2. A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND. You are telling me that you have heard this all before, but it bears repeating. There are a lot of grown boys out there and wolves on the prowl and fakers and married men and LIONS and TIGERS and BEARS, OH MY!!! There are plenty of men out here, but you must have some kind of filtering process. The man I am looking for is rare. Now I know I said I'd give my standards a re-evaluation. I am supposed to be saying "perhaps" more than NO! You know what? It is just not that easy.

Which brings me to my latest and greatest theory....I am looking for a UNICORN...That rare and mythical creature. I am looking for the kind of man you don't see everyday. He has characteristics that distinguish him from his counterparts. He is HONEST with himself and others. He can move freely in many different circles, but remain TRUE to himself. Not a LIAR, just versatile. Some people are liars because they lie to others, but there are also those who have lied to themselves for so long they believe it. In other words: FRONTIN'. Those who Front are not versatile, they are pretenders. This rare and mythical man, this UNICORN will be mindful of his own uniqueness and will naturally gravitate towards someone who is like them, unique, not just a horse with a surgically applied horn.
Not only will he be HONEST, he will be HARMLESS. I don't mean weak or a wimp. I mean he won't be malicious. Out to hurt himself or others through unhealthy habits or practices. Think about that ALPHA Male who wants to run the entire show the entire time. This person is often [un]knowingly offensive to others. A Unicorn is a natural leader and a democratic person who accepts roles for the good of the order. They don't just HAVE TO run the show,but in all situations is capable. If a person's own mother apologizes for his ways, he is NOT a Unicorn, but a JACKASS with a horn surgically attached to his forehead.
Men know that these mythological creatures exist among them. They often imitate them to attract female unicorns (like us). It sometimes takes a minute to discover that the horn is a fake, so consider yourselves warned there are unicorns out there, you just have to look past a lot of horses and asses to get to them.
Because Unicorns are not PREDATORS, they are not out hunting. They are also easy prey for the lions and tigers and bears (OH MY). As a protective measure, they may actually remove the horn to blend in with the crowd. This makes them as easy to find as the proverbial needle in the haystack.
My point ladies, is on this quest, it is more important to observe the actions of the crowd. The Unicorn will reveal himself through words and deeds. The only other drawback to searching for a person like yourself is, that they only come around once in a great while and they don't stick around B.S. for very long. Just like sighting an actual Unicorn, they are there for a split second and then they're gone. While looking for one to reveal himself, be mindful that we must reveal ourselves to him. By hanging with too many horses, ponies, donkeys, mules, and fake asses a Unicorn may miss another in the crowd. ACTIONS and DEEDS are the things that separate those of us who are special from those of who are AVERAGE but working hard.
I think now, that I am going to have to work on my own horn...Beep beep!!!

"We are all just prisoners here, of our own device"

Her mind is Tiffany twisted.

She got the Mercedes Benz.

She got a lot of pretty boys

that she calls friends

A male friend recently commented that being happily single was a contradiction. He further went on to state that I am (happily) single by choice. His comments were fueled by his observation that I APPEAR to be having my cake and eating it too. You know, all my own stuff is mine. I don't have someone to check in with or to be responsible for.....

When a woman is liberated, I think, men get jealous. Not scared. Men are not scared of women, never believe that myth. They are (sometimes) intimidated by the possibility that we may NOT need them.

Those women who proudly proclaim themselves INDEPENDENT, which by the way is so passe in this day and age, say they are not looking for a man. I don't think that is true and I don't think that is a good word to use to describe someone who has decided she can do bad by herself. The word I have chosen is LIBERATED because when you need what you have and have what you need, you are truly free. To be independent is to not depend on someone, but you can still struggle, just struggle independently.

In the song Hotel California, The Eagles paint this picture of what looks like Heaven, but in actuality is Hell. He can't seem to figure that out until the song is almost over. By the way, that's when he discovers that you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave.

This blog, and this whole experience is designed to celebrate LIBERATION. What I do know about Liberation (and salvation) is that it is FREE and I am FREE to be me. I am FREE to do me. I am FREE to like me.

So many times we are jailed by our internal wardens. We have limited ourselves (loosely based on societal confines). We just might be prisoners of our own device..But guess who has the KEY??? Here's a hint, look in the mirror.

So the next question is: Do you really wanna be free? To:

sing the words of that Old Negro Spiritual, Free at last!!! Free at last!!!
Thank God ALMIGHTY, I'm Free at last!!!
MLK

I know I am!!

The Four Agreements

My absolute lifesaver during the toughest times of my turmoil was a little book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz I can't count how many times I have purchased and given this book away to anyone I've ever met who was "going through."
One sad lonely day I was channel surfing and Sandra Burnhart was on TV talking about how this book had changed her life. Let me say here that I have never liked Sandra Burnhart, but I was compelled after her description, to check this book out. Prior to that, I had perused the self-help, divorce-recovery isles of every bookstore, library and amazon.com and found NOTHING that spoke to my heart and mind. Even my tear stained Bible seemed to depress me. Suddenly, Psalms seemed too cliche.

This little book had all the answers in four easy little steps.

1. Be Impeccable With Words

2. Take Nothing Personal

3. Assume Nothing

4 Always Do Your Best

I won't even go into what it means to me. Check it out for yourself. You will find yourself associating a number with a situation. Depending on the kind of day I am having, I will simply write a number on my hand to remind me to keep all of my agreements. Sometimes I get stuck. This week I am struggling with 3 actually. 1 and 2 are simple (for me). 4 lets me off the hook. 3 is the thinking woman's nemesis.

It is virtually impossible, on some days, to not make assumptions. It is the thinking that works us up. If we can just stop the scripted movie from playing in our heads long enough to allow an event to actually happen, we might find happiness. I really think by making assumptions, we tamper with life's outcomes.

The Four Agreements has taken on a life of it's own. The movement has grown to astronomical proportions, but really, just read it for yourself. Don't buy all the little accompaniments (yet). Just allow yourself to really take in what he is saying. It is a quick read and a mind opener. It is mental wasabi. The book can be purchased anywhere for next to nothing. If you want information, simply click the title of this blog and it will take you to the sight.

Who am I to disagree?

It's not true that animals can smell fear. I have long known this, but it was tonight on a dark walk with my dog that the point was driven home. The police were circling my neighborhood obviously looking for something (or someone). When I realized how far from home I was, I attempted to speed up the walk, but my dog (oblivious to my fear) was casually strolling like another day. She was doing her thing and taking her sweet time I might add.

The same can be said for the opposite sex smelling desperation. My experiences have been that when you think a man smells desperation or fear, it is usually his upper lip. You see, he is just as scared as you are. His biological clock ticks just as loudly. He only hopes he has disguised the sound preferably with a Porsche or Harley Davidson. Like women, men rush in and out of relationships with people they are not necessarily meant to be with. They endure situations out of convenience, complacency and fear. We just can't smell it.

Many times a man will rush out to play the field when all he really wants to do is come on in to something (or someone) good. He's just scared to leave the game before something REALLY good happens. By the time these men calm down, they are used, spent, jaded. Or worse, out of gas. There is no real value in someone who is simply exhausted from playing the field. He usually rushes to settle down with the first person he can put up with, or who will put up with him.

This quest is for THE ONE who knows there isn't very much quality out there. Just quantity. Someone who knows the game isn't loyal to one player, and knows how to quit on top. In the dating game, it can become a maze of people looking for people. Some of them want to use you, for any number of reasons (physical, financial, emotional). Conversely, some of them want to get used by you. There are actual male martyrs out there and they need a woman to exploit them. This justifies whatever Neanderthal concepts they have about the dance between women in men. It actually makes them feel important to be used. This is the person who brags in the form of complaints. It doesn't take a Rhodes Scholar to realize that EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING. As a matter of fact, I think the Eurythmics said it in 1984.

M is for the MANY things she gave me...

Is it just me, or are most women the polar opposite of their mothers (especially when it comes to men)? Please don't misunderstand, I'LL ALWAYS LOVE MY MOMMA, SHE'S MY FAVORITE GIRL, but when I really think about it, I'm not so sure that if we weren't related,we'd be GIRLZ. It was my mother, passive as she is and was, who raised me to be so straight forward. My mother, humble and selfless, who taught me to get mine first and love me!! She also taught me to put no man before myself, yet she dedicates her life to her husband. I have inherited some of her habits, I am a consumate workaholic. I LOVE TO SHOP, appreciate a good football game with a beer and my nails must be done at all times. For the most part, however, she raised me to be everything she is not. Growing up, my father ruled his domain, and my mother often seemed to have a secondary role in the home. Almost servant status. The happiness of others always came before her own. This really motivated me to be my own woman and run my own show.

My mother isn't the kind of person I see myself having a drink with. Sure, we have hit the sports bar and caught a game or two. Sports is the great equalizer in our home. Sports has so many life lessons, she would tell me. Still, we don't have those things in common that girlfriends have: I'm divorced. She is still married. In mixed company, she will withhold her opinion. Everyone has a right to mine. I go where I want to go and do what I want to do. She waits for suggestions from my father. This woman has a PhD! I don't.

At the ripe old age of 38, My mother was married with 3 children (a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 3 year old). Infact, she had lost a child to a terrible accident by the time she was my age. I have no children. I can't imagine what it would be like to be responsible for a growing family in the manner she was back then. It was the early 80's and she had so much to deal with. Discrimination at work. Raising children. Caring for her aging parents. Dealing with my daddy (who has never been known for being easy to get along with). Her weekends were not her own. Nothing was her own. In contrast, I alone am the queen of all I survey. I have a job I love, leisure time that involves frequent flier miles to send me to the moon, and an active social life. We are having two different lives and in many ways, I believe my mother has raised me to be the woman she wanted to be. Single footloose and fancyfree 30 somethings must have been appealing to my mother when she was strappped down with kids and a husband. She has often told me of a woman she saw in the airport who seemed to just have everything together. She was tall, slender, well dressed. I think she even drove a convertible. Her eyes woud drift as she told me of the nice handbag and pretty jewelry the woman had. At the end of the story, though she made some off-handed comment about the woman being a lesbian or having no man (which is the kiss of death for the women in my family). I think she said something to the effect of "women like that look perfect on the outside, have nothing on the inside and no one to go home to." Tell me about it!!!

I don't overidentify with the woman in the airport story, but I do enjoy the life I am living. I consider myself the total package and I am not empty on the inside. I just wonder if my mother really comprehended that this lifestyle makes it quite difficult to form lasting relationships (can you say Oprah). It's easy for the wallflower to criticize the one who dances the night away. She isn't really expending any energy. We could all sit on the sidelines, but it was my mother who taught me that LIFE IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT! Let the games begin.

The Gambler

You gotta know when to hold em. Know when to fold em. Know when to
walk away, and know when to run.

I ran into them this week. You know the one you should not have done and the one you wish you had??? Yeah, both of them, well sort of. Once upon a time, when I was at my low point of my newly minted but secret single life, I met a man who, allowed me to hide from myself in his web. He was the physical embodiment of everything I wanted and nothing I needed. Part of his appeal was he was just so mentally stimulating. He had the kind of intellect and magnetism that kept me guessing. He made me feel like a 16 year old all gushy and insecure. Fastforward to now, I have finally gotten my feet underneath me, firmly planted and I have returned to a confidence level that an adult woman should have...Then I bumped into him, literally. I wasn't looking. I never saw him, but he saw me. It was a collision I could not have been more unprepared for of he were driving a Mac Truck. He looked and smelled just as sinful as ever and for a split second, I felt it. The weaknesses and insecurities I had exorcised were hovering over me like something from a Harry Potter movie. I gave him my best poker face and walked away with my dignity in tact.
And then there was the one that got away. See back in my newly single days. I was living a big old LIE. No one knew I was single, so when the brother of a former co-worker and I became friendly, I had no idea he'd be so...PERFECT. Oh well, nothing I could do. See I was too busy concealing my hand. I just knew I'd look like the biggest fraud if I came out, afterward and let him know 1. I was attracted to him and 2. I wasn't really married. Then when I did eventually come out of the closet, he was engaged and then married. I made peace with this loss and chalked it to the game. Well who did I run into this week? NO I couldn't be that lucky. It was his sister and she was sharing with me that he was now divorced. Well, I made no attempt to disguise my feelings. I let her know in that conversation that I needed her to get a message to her brother to call me. I am still waiting by the phone ladies, without regret. See if he doesn't call me, it doesn't really matter. It is more about me making myself available and putting myself out there (once again). For once I didn't pretend to be so cool. I didn't act as if it didn't matter to me. I just went for it and whatever comes of it, I did my best. I am going to do this dating thing. I am going to enjoy it and I am going to get out of it what I put into it. I hope you are going to do the same.

If you think you're lonely now, wait until tonight

"When skeletons come out of the closet and chase you all around the room.
When LOVE walks out and PAIN walks in to settle for a stay"

Bobby Womack could not have articulated my week any better and if telling and retelling my story makes me the last woman to experience this, then this page will really be worth it. I mean afterall, aren't there enough blogs worthy of cnn and frustrated politcal views?? We can all see what's going on in the world thanks to round the clock media coverage and the ticker that has the entire world captivated. Looking for sports, nasdaq, thelatest on Martha Stewart? See the ticker. There is probably one going across the bottom of your computer at this very moment. When a woman goes through her own September 11th, though, there is no CNN. Where was Christian Amonpour when my husband walked out on me?? Oprah? Larry King?? Not a soul, but I felt like the whole world could see it. There is a line in a Paul Simon song that goes "Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you're blown apart. Everybody sees the wind blow." That's really what it was like. Osama didn't have nothing to do with it. I was a victim of emotional terrorism and I had to rebuild my own trade center. I had to clean up the ashes and I had to go on. I know corny, but believe me when I tell you, very true. Everyday has become easier. Every sad moment has been sprinkled over with sugar and humor. And surviving is the best revenge. Remember how after the towers were destroyed BROADWAY was illuminated and New Yorkers were challenged to resume life to "stick it to the terrorists?" It was supposed to be the AMERICAN WAY. To show them that our lives had not been hijacked by fear. Well that's just what I am doing. I am going to date. I am going to really fall in love with someone and I am going to continue to be happy. I am going to stick it to the terrorists. You know why?? Because terrorism is a mental thing. We all have the capacity to be our own enemies. WE can choose to live in fear. WE have made all these stupid rules at the airport to perpetuate the sense of fear. And WE can decide to go on.

If you are able to stand yourself up and dust yourself off, then you are able to go on. Life really is meant to be lived to the fullest and when you realize that you have been spared so many real pains, the pain of heartache doesn't seem so bad. See, my former husband never beat me. He wasn't particularly mean. Not abusive. He paid all the bills on time and took very good care of me. In the scheme of things, I got off easy. I know many of you can say the same. Yes there were days I wanted him to die, but in hindsight, I refocused and realized that my desire to live was stronger than my desire to see him dead. As morbid as it may sound, it is what has kept me sane. I mean think about it, we have no idea if Osama is dead, because he is very alive in our minds. When you stop focusing on him, and start focusing on yourself, you will notice one crucial point : HE MISSED!!! Get a good look...

Confusion is Nothing New

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me. Time after time.
So much to say, so little beer.....
A dear friend of mine is reliving my life circa 2000. It has opened up my wounds very fresh. See, when I loved, I really did, and now I am sure I don't know how. Try as I might, I can't let myself go. I want to. Afterall, that's what THIS is all about. However, if you factor in that a man is just a man and sometimes he is motivated by the simplest thing.... you could lose hope. I speak in the conditional because a number of conditions have to be present for this. They are not quantum physics, and they do occur quite commonly. Still there is the faint possiblilty that I might find the ONE. This is an archaic notion and I am now, infact, looking for the TWO.
See, I understand that men are not without flaws. I know that they can be EASILY lead astray. When you take into consideration that the most powerful man in the free world was willing to lose it for an intern, you realize that it could happen to you. Look at Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Vanessa Williams.....name a woman you identify with, it has happened to her. Whether it is insecurity, or just plain old libido, men are easy victims. The smartest man can be exploited by the dumbest woman...think Anna Nicole Smith.
So as a woman who considers herself smart, what then are my options?? I will tell you: To know who he is when you meet him. To not be surprised by the things he does. To give him the rope, but don't let him hang himself. And to NEVER underestimate the next woman. This is not a bash to the infinite sisterhood that we establish. It is an acknowledgement that we were not all raised alike and some women will stop at nothing to have a man, or even half of a man ,better yet,your man.
In the circle of infidelity, I have been both women and I know this much, when you want a man, you will do what you said you'd never do to get, keep, or share him. It becomes a case of convenience. Lifestyle can play a part as well, but the things you never said you'd put up with, become commonplace. Perhaps it is a comprimise of conscience, but for what?? I can't really tell you. It is a slippery slope and not for the faint of heart. The victim must have a love that is stronger than pride and the assailant must have a pride that is weak. It's all I can think of. I have a friend that will call it KARMA, but I am not as convinced as she is.

More good news....NOT

This excerpt comes from the Washington Post
Women Outnumber Men In Maryland, D.C.
Ratio Also High In Mississippi
This is from an article in the Washington Post. Fret not ladies, there are still the homeless and the imprisoned..

It turns out Maryland isn't a blue state, it's pink.
The latest Census data shows the ratio of women to men in the population is among the highest in the nation. It's higher only in the District of Columbia and Mississippi.
The numbers show it may be tougher for a woman to find a mate, especially after age 35.


It's not clear why women outnumber men, but one explanation could be that women are drawn to the high number of public sector jobs in the state. Another is that African-American women typically outnumber African-American men and Maryland has a large African-American population.
But some experts suggest that men are being undercounted by the Census because they are more likely to be in prison or homeless.

Turning "NO!" into ...perhaps...

I am a daddy's girl. When I think about my childhood, I realize that my father rarely told me NO! Often he'd say perhaps...Before I was old enough to comprehend the meaning of the word, I understood the door was never completely closed to my request, no matter how unreasonable. This always gave me hope. Quite naturally, there were obvious no's in my childhood, but imagine the possiblity of perhaps....
This is going to be my new approach to dating. There are many men out there who are simply not for me and in the past, I wasn't for them either. I have said NO! Many times without regret. This year, though, instead of ruling out a guy for no really good reason, I'm not going to say NO! I will try to use perhaps... This will not be an option of course, for a guy who doesn't even know what the word means. No car, no job, no ambition, no place of his own. These are all deal breakers (for me) and usually non-negotiable, but life has taught me that circumstances can have an impact on these visible excuses. Perhaps I will take time to at least hear the story.

Who ME??

I am a reformed flirt


I have done my share of harmless flirting in my day. You know, a little eye contact, a lot of teeth, meaningless, casual conversation. I’ve definitely been blessed with the gift of gab, but remember how when you got a gift it was all fun for a while, then you really didn't want it anymore??? Well, it’s like that. Flirting and being a social butterfly has become a burden. No longer can I just have a simple, fun conversation with a stranger. Now there are strings attached. “Heavy words are so lightly thrown.” The dating scene over 30 is such that a woman and a man can not have a casual conversation. People over 30 waste little time faking interest in small talk. My experiences these few years have shown me that men are more to the point. They tell you upfront if they are on the market (or not), and if they are interested in being more than a friend.

The problem is that in a social situation, many people are not usually themselves. I have female friends and I have watched them change personalities right before my eyes like a character from Star Wars. Shape shifters, I call them. I can’t count the men who undergo reverse metamorphosis. That’s when you meet them and they are one way and after things get, shall we say; comfortable, they switch back into their true selves.

What I do know is that I am not a shape shifter. I remain in my form. What you see is really what you get with me. How do I navigate the waters? It's as if a single woman requires her own personal HOMELAND SECURITY, to sift out the terrorists among business, coach and FIRST CLASS.

To further complicate matters, I am making a concerted effort this year to make myself available. I want to date and meet new people (men). I am not however, desperate. I just think there is someone (else) out there for me. How though, will I go about sifting through the pretenders?? I am open for suggestions.

What's your story morning glory

"My homie broke up with me"
CaliGurl

I am stuck. I have a, well several, platonic guy friends, " the homies". Now, emotionally, "the homies" could very well be a sub for the real thing. I've got male companionship, someone to pick up the tab every now and then, someone to shoot the shit about and give me the inside scoop on men. But of course behind every "homie" is their not so secret agenda of getting with me. But one of my "homies" broke up with me! My "homie" had the nerve to get a REAL girlfriend. So I had to hate, just had to do it. Now this n*gga is so sprung I want to slap him. Can't even wipe his a** without saying "me and T". I broke up with my other "homie". "Homie #2" would call every morning, like clock work @ 10:30a.m. on the way to his job where he would sleep for 3 hours and call me again @1:30 to tell me how bored he was. After 4 years of that, I had to tell "Homie #2" to give me a f***king break with the play by play of every rat he hollered at the bus stop. I think I hurt his feelings, he hasn't called in 4 days. But that's the thing about "homies"... wait hold that thought my phone is ringing.