The Gambler

You gotta know when to hold em. Know when to fold em. Know when to
walk away, and know when to run.

I ran into them this week. You know the one you should not have done and the one you wish you had??? Yeah, both of them, well sort of. Once upon a time, when I was at my low point of my newly minted but secret single life, I met a man who, allowed me to hide from myself in his web. He was the physical embodiment of everything I wanted and nothing I needed. Part of his appeal was he was just so mentally stimulating. He had the kind of intellect and magnetism that kept me guessing. He made me feel like a 16 year old all gushy and insecure. Fastforward to now, I have finally gotten my feet underneath me, firmly planted and I have returned to a confidence level that an adult woman should have...Then I bumped into him, literally. I wasn't looking. I never saw him, but he saw me. It was a collision I could not have been more unprepared for of he were driving a Mac Truck. He looked and smelled just as sinful as ever and for a split second, I felt it. The weaknesses and insecurities I had exorcised were hovering over me like something from a Harry Potter movie. I gave him my best poker face and walked away with my dignity in tact.
And then there was the one that got away. See back in my newly single days. I was living a big old LIE. No one knew I was single, so when the brother of a former co-worker and I became friendly, I had no idea he'd be so...PERFECT. Oh well, nothing I could do. See I was too busy concealing my hand. I just knew I'd look like the biggest fraud if I came out, afterward and let him know 1. I was attracted to him and 2. I wasn't really married. Then when I did eventually come out of the closet, he was engaged and then married. I made peace with this loss and chalked it to the game. Well who did I run into this week? NO I couldn't be that lucky. It was his sister and she was sharing with me that he was now divorced. Well, I made no attempt to disguise my feelings. I let her know in that conversation that I needed her to get a message to her brother to call me. I am still waiting by the phone ladies, without regret. See if he doesn't call me, it doesn't really matter. It is more about me making myself available and putting myself out there (once again). For once I didn't pretend to be so cool. I didn't act as if it didn't matter to me. I just went for it and whatever comes of it, I did my best. I am going to do this dating thing. I am going to enjoy it and I am going to get out of it what I put into it. I hope you are going to do the same.