When I look back over my life
I can truly say
that I've been blessed
I've got a testimony
I am a recovering control freak. I continue to suffer from all the symptoms including, but not limited to lack of patience. Patience with career, finances, other people, and myself. This morning the reality my circumstances met my ideological belief that control is an illusion. My prayer on this day was a simple one that I have uttered a thousand times (per week) with no real understanding: "Lord THY will be done!" I meant it, I just didn't UNDERSTAND it. Then it occurred to me, that perhaps it was being done and what I need to do is come to peace with it. I looked around today, not for CHANGE, but for what was always there the whole time! I have not perished. I have not hit rock bottom (a place by the way, the Lord knows I can't handle). My dilemmas are manageable only when I stop trying to take complete control of them. Things are not bad under the circumstances and the sun continues to rise and set favorably in my life.
FAVOR is one of those things we all like to have, but we want more of. When we look at favor from the perspective of what we have, of course we want more! However, when you look at all the misfortune that you have avoided, you really can get an accurate count of the favor you have utilized. It is basic math. We learned THE SUM is the total you get when you add and THE DIFFERENCE is what you get when you subtract.
So today I did a little math (shout out to Jayhawk); I added up all the times I have knowingly put myself in harms way and was protected. I added up the countless careless mistakes I have made and the numerous unsafe decisions and then I subtracted all the times I was sheltered, hidden and protected. I shutter to think of the many risks I have taken with eyes wide open; brazen as a 10 year old boy. That's when I discovered THE DIFFERENCE: FAVOR!
Many a night I have prayed, as the Psalmist, for protection from persecution and to be walked around MY ENEMY. Guess who has been putting me in harm's way? Guess who likes to charge foolish things on my credit card? Guess who loves beer, but hates her thighs? Guess who has made impractical and unsafe decisions about where to go, who to see and what to do? Guess who my enemy really is? ME.
Today's EPIPHANY: I am going to stop sleeping with the enemy.
I've got a Testimony;
The Lord has been good to me.
I've got a Testimony;
One day HE set me FREE.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
WWMD?
Shout out to CaliGirl for the text question: What Would Michelle Do?
I had shared with her that my latest interest introduced me to his friends as his MICHELLE. It was cute, and my girls and I dissected it a million ways and we agreed that it was a compliment of the highest order, because he was comparing me favorably to MICHELLE. The Michelle I speak of is the one and only MRS. OBAMA. It is safe to say that she hit the dating JACKPOT. I wonder as a Harvard Grad/Attorney on the fast track in the 70's and 80's, how she knew that she had slipped tripped and landed on the next leader of the FREE WORLD? What must she have had to endure? Who did she let go to hold on to BARRY? How much baggage did the the young man come with?? How bout you? Have you let your Barack slip by? Did he do something so simple, you forgot to ask the magic question: WHAT WOULD MICHELLE DO if:
he still lived with his mother?
he had only a dollar and a dream?
he didn't have full time job?
his job was so demanding, he had very little time (or energy) for you?
his grandmother didn't approve of you?
he reminded you that you didn't cook like his grandmother?
What do you think Michelle would have done? What do you think she'd do now?
I had shared with her that my latest interest introduced me to his friends as his MICHELLE. It was cute, and my girls and I dissected it a million ways and we agreed that it was a compliment of the highest order, because he was comparing me favorably to MICHELLE. The Michelle I speak of is the one and only MRS. OBAMA. It is safe to say that she hit the dating JACKPOT. I wonder as a Harvard Grad/Attorney on the fast track in the 70's and 80's, how she knew that she had slipped tripped and landed on the next leader of the FREE WORLD? What must she have had to endure? Who did she let go to hold on to BARRY? How much baggage did the the young man come with?? How bout you? Have you let your Barack slip by? Did he do something so simple, you forgot to ask the magic question: WHAT WOULD MICHELLE DO if:
he still lived with his mother?
he had only a dollar and a dream?
he didn't have full time job?
his job was so demanding, he had very little time (or energy) for you?
his grandmother didn't approve of you?
he reminded you that you didn't cook like his grandmother?
What do you think Michelle would have done? What do you think she'd do now?
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Great Expectations
The recent Vice-Presidential Debate brought to light a common practice referred to as "Lowered Expectations." It is what my cousin used to coin the Pessimists Creed: Expect the worst and you're never disappointed. When we were younger, I would always psyche myself up with all these grandiose plans and goals and lofty ideas. My cousin would frequently say, if you expect bad things, if you're wrong, you are pleasantly surprised, but if you are right, no big loss, you expected it.....I on the other hand was of the aim for the moon, if you miss you are among stars theory. This is why when a certain woman appeared before the country in one of the most highly anticipated debates, her camp was quick to lower the expectations of the American People. The thought being as long as she doesn't mess up, she wins...What a wonderful way to wink, grin, and charm your way through life. Similar to the courtroom scene in the movie Legally Blond. When we disarm our opponent with lowered expectations, the playing field feels level.
So on a recent date with a self-admitted DUMB JOCK, I decided not to give him the unearned emotional Rhodes Scholar credentials he had been granted in the past. I treated him for who he said he was. I had no lofty expectations. I gave him a dummy pass, and you know what? It worked! He winked and grinned his way through the entire date without incident and without expectation. Long silences were not met with "What is he thinking" thoughts in my head. Silly little jokes were dismissed for being what they were and nothing more. I have to admit I had a better time with him on this date than at any other time in the past when we had been in each others' company. I also practiced this on a date with a reformed GANGSTER. In both situations, IT WORKED!!! I guess my cousin had a point after all this time. The newest question is how long can a person really be on the ride of lowered expectations? I mean, I for one am only on an experimental basis. I wonder if this is the 5th secret of happiness that older people forget to tell you.
The dates were preceded by the realization that my former husband remains on all my important documentation as the first to contact in the event of an emergency. As I sat and stared at the paperwork, I could not think of a person closer to me, still. Who would I want to come to the hospital if my parents were unable to make the cross country trip? HIM. As fate would have it, he texts me out of the blue {shout out to the Gods of Technology}. I share with him my dilemma and he says to me, that I am still the person on his next of contact sheet as well. His reason much different from mine; he knows I will be more than willing to issue his DNR [do not resuscitate] wish. I am however rarely aware of how much I take for granted. I really think, like many of us, that I am the one taking care of me, when in actuality, there may be that time when I can not take care of me. Who then do I want to execute my wishes when I am unable to speak for myself. In that case, I still hold on to my lofty expectation that he who has once done me so wrong will do the right thing {and get liposuction while I'm on the table}. To that end, I will hold onto my GREAT EXPECTATIONS.
I for one have always loved the novel and consider PIP's expectations not unusual. We all want more out of life and we all wish to make the most of our circumstances even when fate gives us what we want most when we are least prepared for it. In the case of the hockey mom from you-know-where, her circumstances were measured in such a way that she did the opposite of PIP, she made the most of LOWERED EXPECTATIONS. In the end, we get what we give. Anyone looking for a good read, might want to revisit PIP and his adventures. In these days, his experiences remind us about what is important. The link to Google Books, Great Expectations, is in the title of this blog. Just in case you wanted to check it out.
So on a recent date with a self-admitted DUMB JOCK, I decided not to give him the unearned emotional Rhodes Scholar credentials he had been granted in the past. I treated him for who he said he was. I had no lofty expectations. I gave him a dummy pass, and you know what? It worked! He winked and grinned his way through the entire date without incident and without expectation. Long silences were not met with "What is he thinking" thoughts in my head. Silly little jokes were dismissed for being what they were and nothing more. I have to admit I had a better time with him on this date than at any other time in the past when we had been in each others' company. I also practiced this on a date with a reformed GANGSTER. In both situations, IT WORKED!!! I guess my cousin had a point after all this time. The newest question is how long can a person really be on the ride of lowered expectations? I mean, I for one am only on an experimental basis. I wonder if this is the 5th secret of happiness that older people forget to tell you.
The dates were preceded by the realization that my former husband remains on all my important documentation as the first to contact in the event of an emergency. As I sat and stared at the paperwork, I could not think of a person closer to me, still. Who would I want to come to the hospital if my parents were unable to make the cross country trip? HIM. As fate would have it, he texts me out of the blue {shout out to the Gods of Technology}. I share with him my dilemma and he says to me, that I am still the person on his next of contact sheet as well. His reason much different from mine; he knows I will be more than willing to issue his DNR [do not resuscitate] wish. I am however rarely aware of how much I take for granted. I really think, like many of us, that I am the one taking care of me, when in actuality, there may be that time when I can not take care of me. Who then do I want to execute my wishes when I am unable to speak for myself. In that case, I still hold on to my lofty expectation that he who has once done me so wrong will do the right thing {and get liposuction while I'm on the table}. To that end, I will hold onto my GREAT EXPECTATIONS.
I for one have always loved the novel and consider PIP's expectations not unusual. We all want more out of life and we all wish to make the most of our circumstances even when fate gives us what we want most when we are least prepared for it. In the case of the hockey mom from you-know-where, her circumstances were measured in such a way that she did the opposite of PIP, she made the most of LOWERED EXPECTATIONS. In the end, we get what we give. Anyone looking for a good read, might want to revisit PIP and his adventures. In these days, his experiences remind us about what is important. The link to Google Books, Great Expectations, is in the title of this blog. Just in case you wanted to check it out.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A Witness to History
Monday, September 22, 2008
THE WOW
"And Lately
I can feel the wind blowing
in our direction
My affection is only for you
so hold on tight and enjoy the night
and let the wind just take us
make us
BRAND NEW."
D.Folks
I recently had a discussion with a few fellas about "The WOW factor" in relationships. You know, it's that heart pounding, butterflies in the stomach, takes your breath away feeling. My opinion is that THE WOW is good, but it's short term, and I'd rather have the JUST OKAY ten times than THE WOW just once. Hopeless Romantics are like drug addicts chasing THE WOW like that first rush. This is not a surprise. We all know hopeless romantics. That's why we call them HOPELESS. What is the surprise is that MEN actually buy into this concept that a relationship can be WOW all the time. How much work do men expect us to put in? We already appear to go above and beyond. It's hard enough to keep the hair, nails, body, wardrobe, personality, make up, child rearing, bill paying, independent damsel in distress image. As far as I can tell, men only have to work on that whole Knight in Shining Armor meets Intelligent Gangster.
I countered with the fact that each person has the responsibility to bring their own WOW to the party. Which brought us to the next point: can a person who is a WOW be with a person who is JUST OKAY? My answer is YES. Two WOWs are a recipe for destruction.
My college sweetheart and I were both WOWs and despite the fact that it was a never ending party, our union lacked substance. It lacked structure. On the contrary, My (former) husband was a JUST OKAY and for the most part our union was ideal......until the end. These (SINGLE) guys disagreed. It appears they will forever remain bachelors because they haven't met the one person who takes their breath away and until they find this magical mystical MYTHICAL woman, they will be alone. Talking to them forced me to evaluate how I tend to attract Eternal Bachelors. Men looking for all the fun I have to offer, but only for the fleeting moments. It is a full time job to be a WOW, and I for one would like to retire my Jersey!!
A local artist (D. Folkes) has a song called Fresh Cut Flowers. It's about the newness and the crisp fresh feeling of a new relationship and how can we keep it. His MySpace/dfolks page is in the link of this Blog because I am his NEWEST and BIGGEST FAN. Check out his music, his lyrics are featured in this blog. He too is a hopeless romantic. I guess in the spirit of this historical year, we should all KEEP HOPE ALIVE.
"The newness of our love keeps
my soul on fire
and I don't want it to ever end"
D. Folks
I can feel the wind blowing
in our direction
My affection is only for you
so hold on tight and enjoy the night
and let the wind just take us
make us
BRAND NEW."
D.Folks
I recently had a discussion with a few fellas about "The WOW factor" in relationships. You know, it's that heart pounding, butterflies in the stomach, takes your breath away feeling. My opinion is that THE WOW is good, but it's short term, and I'd rather have the JUST OKAY ten times than THE WOW just once. Hopeless Romantics are like drug addicts chasing THE WOW like that first rush. This is not a surprise. We all know hopeless romantics. That's why we call them HOPELESS. What is the surprise is that MEN actually buy into this concept that a relationship can be WOW all the time. How much work do men expect us to put in? We already appear to go above and beyond. It's hard enough to keep the hair, nails, body, wardrobe, personality, make up, child rearing, bill paying, independent damsel in distress image. As far as I can tell, men only have to work on that whole Knight in Shining Armor meets Intelligent Gangster.
I countered with the fact that each person has the responsibility to bring their own WOW to the party. Which brought us to the next point: can a person who is a WOW be with a person who is JUST OKAY? My answer is YES. Two WOWs are a recipe for destruction.
My college sweetheart and I were both WOWs and despite the fact that it was a never ending party, our union lacked substance. It lacked structure. On the contrary, My (former) husband was a JUST OKAY and for the most part our union was ideal......until the end. These (SINGLE) guys disagreed. It appears they will forever remain bachelors because they haven't met the one person who takes their breath away and until they find this magical mystical MYTHICAL woman, they will be alone. Talking to them forced me to evaluate how I tend to attract Eternal Bachelors. Men looking for all the fun I have to offer, but only for the fleeting moments. It is a full time job to be a WOW, and I for one would like to retire my Jersey!!
A local artist (D. Folkes) has a song called Fresh Cut Flowers. It's about the newness and the crisp fresh feeling of a new relationship and how can we keep it. His MySpace/dfolks page is in the link of this Blog because I am his NEWEST and BIGGEST FAN. Check out his music, his lyrics are featured in this blog. He too is a hopeless romantic. I guess in the spirit of this historical year, we should all KEEP HOPE ALIVE.
"The newness of our love keeps
my soul on fire
and I don't want it to ever end"
D. Folks
Friday, August 08, 2008
Queen of Hearts
Playing with the Queen of Hearts,Juice Newton
Knowing it ain't really smart.
The Joker is the Only FOOL
to keep me away from you.
My new addiction is Poker's All Stars. Watching people from different walks of life sit across each other from a table of sudden death poker with their hands televised is good stuff. I love how you see the cards, but the opponent doesn't. Still, the strategies are intense and each hand feels better than the previous one. The cute guy, the weird guy, the housewife from Middle America, they all sit at the table as equals blinded by the fact that they don't know what's in the hand of the opponent. As viewers, we are privy and it doesn't help one bit. Come to think of it, would the game be any different if they could see each others' hand? I mean, they know all the cards and the possibilities and the combinations, yet, they gamble anyway....
It's a lot like, dare I say it, d-a-t-i-n-g. Each person plays the cards they've been dealt, but we stay in the game secretly hoping the dealer will give us a better hand. We look for the perfect hand. Your stomach does flips with every card, hoping and regretting at the same time. The Dating Deck has not been generous to me lately. I have been sitting on an ACE of SPADES, waiting for a KING of HEARTS. This new card I got, looks like it, but it could just be another JACK of CLUBS.
Stay tuned. It could be the Joker.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
People are People
People are People
so why should it be
you and I should get along
so awfully?
Depeche Mode
The only thing you can expect in this life, is change. I know M.R. didn't coin that phrase, but it's right on the money. Anything (and anybody) you allow yourself to become attached to will leave you. One way or another, it is crucial to know that people cross our paths for A REASON, A SEASON OR A LIFETIME. Over the months I have been in the midst of a soul search marathon. I have made new friends, I have lost touch with others, yet I feel most responsible for the ones I've lost. You know the old saying she who has a million friends, doesn't have one to spare . That thing really worked me over (and The Sex & The City Movie) Had your girl reaching out to folk I hadn't thought about in a long time. My reach out was sincere, and I was really feeling like I had been the ultimate bitch by disassociating myself from certain people. That is of course, until I snapped out of it and realized that some people and some relationships run their course like a good buzz. When things are over, it's important to remember that Life goes on and people grow, out of things they fit before.
When a romance ends it's called a breakup, but when it comes to friendships and non-romantic relationships, no one discusses endings. There isn't even a term for it.
There are so many reasons the show Friends was an inaccurate reflection of friendship. Rachel, Ross, Joey, Phoebe and all the TV "Friends" were always friends. We don't know how long they knew each other. We never see them have a real live fall out. They rarely disagreed on the show, in fact I never saw them go to work or have other "friends". They just were. I bet The season would never had ended, if NBC hadn't run out of money. All the friendship oriented shows, of which there have been and will continually be many, rarely if ever focused on the 5th grade moment many of us still have as adults when someone says to you ( or you to them) "I don't want to be your friend no more." Come to think of it, even in the 5th grade, some well meaning adult would force a reconciliation.
As a huge Public Enemy fan, I remember a Chuck D quote that went: I couldn't CHANGE the people around me, so I changed the PEOPLE around me! Let me just say it was the best thing I could have done. It has enlarged my circle in a good way and on a funny Karma Twist, I have had the privilege of reconnecting with a long lost friend from back in the day and getting to know other local friends better. I have even come to learn more about the one thing that motivates me in ALL RELATIONSHIPS. I have an overwhelming need to be understood. This is above all the other things in a relationship that people value, you know like respect, admiration, honesty, attraction and all that good stuff. My LIFETIME friends know I need to be understood and I'm not talking about the Cable Channel. I am not as complicated as I make myself out to be. Somehow I can come off as a superhero to some people. It is only those who realize I am mortal, that I can really vibe with. This epiphany is the newest on my trip to self discovery. It makes me happy to know what tiny stone had found its way into the shoe of my thoughts so that I could finally dislodge it and move on. Forward!!
Friends is a word we use EVERYDAY
but most times we use it IN THE WRONG WAY
now you can look the word up AGAIN AND AGAIN
but the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of FRIENDS
Whodini!!!
so why should it be
you and I should get along
so awfully?
Depeche Mode
The only thing you can expect in this life, is change. I know M.R. didn't coin that phrase, but it's right on the money. Anything (and anybody) you allow yourself to become attached to will leave you. One way or another, it is crucial to know that people cross our paths for A REASON, A SEASON OR A LIFETIME. Over the months I have been in the midst of a soul search marathon. I have made new friends, I have lost touch with others, yet I feel most responsible for the ones I've lost. You know the old saying she who has a million friends, doesn't have one to spare . That thing really worked me over (and The Sex & The City Movie) Had your girl reaching out to folk I hadn't thought about in a long time. My reach out was sincere, and I was really feeling like I had been the ultimate bitch by disassociating myself from certain people. That is of course, until I snapped out of it and realized that some people and some relationships run their course like a good buzz. When things are over, it's important to remember that Life goes on and people grow, out of things they fit before.
When a romance ends it's called a breakup, but when it comes to friendships and non-romantic relationships, no one discusses endings. There isn't even a term for it.
There are so many reasons the show Friends was an inaccurate reflection of friendship. Rachel, Ross, Joey, Phoebe and all the TV "Friends" were always friends. We don't know how long they knew each other. We never see them have a real live fall out. They rarely disagreed on the show, in fact I never saw them go to work or have other "friends". They just were. I bet The season would never had ended, if NBC hadn't run out of money. All the friendship oriented shows, of which there have been and will continually be many, rarely if ever focused on the 5th grade moment many of us still have as adults when someone says to you ( or you to them) "I don't want to be your friend no more." Come to think of it, even in the 5th grade, some well meaning adult would force a reconciliation.
As a huge Public Enemy fan, I remember a Chuck D quote that went: I couldn't CHANGE the people around me, so I changed the PEOPLE around me! Let me just say it was the best thing I could have done. It has enlarged my circle in a good way and on a funny Karma Twist, I have had the privilege of reconnecting with a long lost friend from back in the day and getting to know other local friends better. I have even come to learn more about the one thing that motivates me in ALL RELATIONSHIPS. I have an overwhelming need to be understood. This is above all the other things in a relationship that people value, you know like respect, admiration, honesty, attraction and all that good stuff. My LIFETIME friends know I need to be understood and I'm not talking about the Cable Channel. I am not as complicated as I make myself out to be. Somehow I can come off as a superhero to some people. It is only those who realize I am mortal, that I can really vibe with. This epiphany is the newest on my trip to self discovery. It makes me happy to know what tiny stone had found its way into the shoe of my thoughts so that I could finally dislodge it and move on. Forward!!
Friends is a word we use EVERYDAY
but most times we use it IN THE WRONG WAY
now you can look the word up AGAIN AND AGAIN
but the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of FRIENDS
Whodini!!!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
TAX TIME
There's only three things That's sure:
Taxes, Death and Trials,
This I knowMG
When Marvin Gaye put this line in Troubled Man, he was trying to let the world know that hard times last longest. In the criminal justice system and in gang lore, there is a slogan that uses the emblem of the tragic/comic faces thespians use to symbolize drama. Smile Now and Cry Later speaks to the notion that we may enjoy what we are doing at this moment, but the consequences will come. Sometimes in the way you least expect them.
Today one of my 17 year old clients described her mother as "manipulative" to which her mother replied, I earned that. Her choice of words startled me. How do you "earn" that I asked. I mean, to earn something, you have to work at it right? Her reply was that she is now paying for the choices she made when her child was younger. She wished she had been more truthful when she was younger, now her child has her own opinions and knows too much. Because of this, she doesn't trust authority. It's that whole "Earned Income" term on your taxes. It's like having to pay additional taxes for things you thought you already paid for when FICA (n'em) took all that money out your check all year long and now on April 15, they want more more more. No matter how much this mother gives, in the eyes of her daughter it will never be enough to offset the "deficit" she feels.
Romance has the same principle collecting. We seem to all be caught up in a never ending cycle of tax evasion and collection. There are never enough exemptions, loopholes or write offs. We want to pay as little as possible and the government will take all that we give and want more. This year, we get a "gift." Personally, I am looking forward to my "stimulus check." Unlike everyone who is threatening to save the money the benevolent government is giving us, I am planning to use it for the purpose it was intended STIMULATION. Same with my heart. I am gonna stimulate that too. I have paid my taxes and if you let yourself, you will be trapped in the illusion that there is no way out of the cycle. Too much is never enough.
Playing the dating field is like paying a bill with interest that collects so quickly that you spend your whole life paying and never make a dent in the principle. I have been in the dating game for what feels like forever and although I have become tired and long for the sideline. As tired as I am though, I feel I have somehow done something to "earn" this overtime game with dating. My deepest fear is that if I stand still, I will pass out. It's like runner's euphoria. My legs will go as far as my heart and head will take me. It really is all in the mind, but when does the mind get enough? Well if you are a thinker (like me), the answer is NEVER!!!
If you've ever watched a marathon, you see the visible strain on the faces of the runners. They know it is a taxing struggle that the body is not meant to endure repeatedly, yet they get out there and push themselves to the limit. Some things are meant to be pushed to the limit; I would rather push my credit cards to the limit or the engine of a fine tuned German sports car to the limit on an open road, but not my heart. THE BUCK STOPS HERE!
In the end of Troubled Man, Marvin breaks it all the way down and spits it out in one breath. It goes like this:
I'vebeensomeplacesandI'veseensomethings. YesIgotmyconnections.Theydigmydirections. When people say that'sokaytheydon'tbotherme.
I'mreadytomakeit. Don'tcare whattheweather. Don'tcareboutnottrouble. Gotmyselftogether. I'vegotthekindof protectionthatsallaround.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
RIGHT NOW
How many of you remember the Van Halen video for the song "Right Now"? It had all these quirky observations into human life while randomly filming people in odd situations. I love love love (did I say LOVE) Van Halen. I grew up in Southern California, how could I not? At any rate, I really feel these lyrics and it's been blasting on my iTunes. I wanted to share the video and lyrics with you. The YouTube link is in the title of this blog. You can put your cursor over the title and check it out (again) with fresh eyes. But it's the lyrics....It's the lyrics.. (Sammy Hagar ain't bad either)
Don't want to wait til tomorrow. Why put it off another day?
One by one your problems build up and stand in our way
One step ahead; one step behind it. Now you gotta run to get even.
Make this the past I dream about yesterday
Come on turn this thing around!
RIGHT NOW
(HEY!) its your tomorrow
RIGHT NOW
(C'mon) it's everything
RIGHT NOW
It's your magic moment
Do it right here and now
IT MEANS EVERYTHING
Miss a beat, lose a rhythm,and nothing falls into place.
Only miss by a fraction,slipped a little off your pace.
The more things you get the more you want.
Just trading one for the other.
Working so hard to make it easy
WE all gotta turn this thing around
RIGHT NOW
(Hey!) it's your tomorrow
RIGHT NOW
(C'mon) it's everything
RIGHT NOW
Catch that magic moment
DO IT RIGHT HERE AND NOW
IT MEANS EVERYTHING!!!!!
Don't want to wait til tomorrow. Why put it off another day?
One by one your problems build up and stand in our way
One step ahead; one step behind it. Now you gotta run to get even.
Make this the past I dream about yesterday
Come on turn this thing around!
RIGHT NOW
(HEY!) its your tomorrow
RIGHT NOW
(C'mon) it's everything
RIGHT NOW
It's your magic moment
Do it right here and now
IT MEANS EVERYTHING
Miss a beat, lose a rhythm,and nothing falls into place.
Only miss by a fraction,slipped a little off your pace.
The more things you get the more you want.
Just trading one for the other.
Working so hard to make it easy
WE all gotta turn this thing around
RIGHT NOW
(Hey!) it's your tomorrow
RIGHT NOW
(C'mon) it's everything
RIGHT NOW
Catch that magic moment
DO IT RIGHT HERE AND NOW
IT MEANS EVERYTHING!!!!!
Friday, March 28, 2008
I AM
I amwhatever you say I amif I wasn'tthen why would I say I amMM
Okay y'all, I'm reading this darned Oprah book and I'm past the breakthrough on to the WHO AM I? part. Here in VA, we have a saying: Who IZ YOU! It's more than a question. It's a demand to know who you REALLY think you are. Chapter Seven of Eckhart Tolle's book is about finding who you really are. Guess what? I am stumped!!! I thought I knew who I was. I thought I was the daughter of Morris and Zelma. The sister of Devany, Jaqui, and Ahmad. The X-Wife of Soldin. The BFF of Christa and Janet [yes you can have two]. Counselor to the masses. Neighbor to Thomas and Crystal. Happy, healthy and wise. Guess what I figured out though? I am a walking, living, breathing contradiction...
I am rich and I am poor. I am smart and I am dumb. I am old and I am young. I am black and I am white. I am controlled and Impulsive. I am conservative and liberal. I am a virgin and a whore. I am selfless and selfish . I am fat and skinny. I am elaborate and restrained. I am elite and inclusive...the list goes on...I am a work in progress.
I'm all these things and more. My image of myself is probably grander than Halle Berry, Jennifer Lopez and Madonna all rolled into one. I think that highly of myself. My dreams and aspirations are minimal. I am not overly ambitious, vain or self-centered, but what this breakthrough is about is that we are not simply who we've been. We aren't even who we want to be. We are who we are right now at this very moment. This moment is greater than anything. The future and the past try to define us, and they do so by giving us guidelines, but the present is all there [really] is. As I struggle to define who I am at any given moment, I have one simple question: Who IZ YOU?
I don't want to forget the present,
it's a gift.
A.K.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Where is Lauryn Hill and other Musings on Genesis 3:16
I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend
-- I Used To Love Him from The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
To the woman He said, I will greatly multiply your grief and your suffering in pregnancy and the pangs of childbearing; with spasms of distress you will bring forth children. Yet your desire and craving will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.
-- Genesis 3:16 (Amplified)
During one of those 360-degree conversations that always happen when literate, music-loving, black women gather, the question arises, periodically, “Where is Lauryn Hill?”
As is the custom for these kinds of free flowing dialogues on love, sex, faith, politics, etc., my first response was strictly for entertainment purposes. “What happened? What happened is that Marley Boy, that’s what happened!”
That got a collective belly laugh as we went on to the next topic, but it made me think about a much larger question. Why does the fall of a woman always seem to involve loving a man?
Now the truth is we don’t know what has “happened” to Lauryn Hill. What I do know is that when Lauryn came on the scene, she was a breath of fresh air. Genuinely talented, naturally beautiful and undeniably intelligent she was a bright, shining example of what is best in young, Black womanhood and the best possible (at the time) reflection of the hip-hop generation. Perhaps we just put too much on it—imbued her image with too much power and invested too much in what she represented to us—namely a reprieve from the dominant brain-dead, booty-shaking bimbo iconography that seemed to dominate music and pained so many of us. But for whatever she meant to us, we loved Lauryn and we were proud to be associated with her.
But just as fast as she came and dazzled us with her brilliance, she went. And in the place of the Lauryn we knew, there was a new creature—stripped down, and bare beyond recognizing—claiming that the woman we fell in love with was all a lie. That we had all be deceived, once again, by the sinister spin machine of the ‘Babylon’ music industry. Personally, I found myself repulsed by what seemed to be a big, fat case of artistic arrogance thumbing its nose at the rubes (us) that couldn’t tell the difference between art and artifice.
Then the rumors began to surface that her husband was behind the so-called melt down that led to this new threadbare Lauryn. Demanding, and controlling her every move, there were reports that he had been known to manhandle her—that her will was being subjugated physically, emotionally and spiritually by the man she loved.
Again, no one knows if these allegations about Rohan Marley are true. Only two people know what goes on in that relationship, and they aren’t talking. And I am old enough to know that everything isn’t everything (shameless Lauryn Hill lyric pun here) between couples, particularly those seen in the public eye.
But it was very easy, almost too easy, to believe. Easy because we all have in our collective memory stories of women who have lost their money, dignity, freedom, mind, life in the process of loving. Statistics on the instances of violence against women, prison rolls, and our own experiences support our sense that loving a man contains an inherent danger—that of losing our selves.
Often when I think of women losing themselves to men, I am reminded of the scripture in Genesis 3:16.
To the woman He said, I will greatly multiply your grief and your suffering in pregnancy and the pangs of childbearing; with spasms of distress you will bring forth children. Yet your desire and craving will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.
In context, God is telling Adam and Eve the consequences of their disobedience to his command regarding the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Each of them has consequences that are specific to them as well as consequences that they experience together. The scripture refers to the consequence that Eve, and by association, we as women, will experience as a result of the entrance of sin into the world.
I have read this scripture many, many times, but only in the last few years have I come to suspect a connection between the second part of this scripture, and the experiences of women who give of themselves beyond sacrifice for the sake of love, only to be “ruled” over by the man they love. Could this be the reason? Can I point to this as God’s hint to us about the nature of relationships between men and women? Is there inherent pain in trying to create something tangible out of our relationships? Are we as women driven, almost desperately so, to have relationships, even at our own peril?
The post-modern womanist in me wants to reject that notion out of hand. I dare not admit in the day and age of Oprah and Hillary that it is possible for me to lose myself over a man. I am too smart, self-assured, together, faithful, etc.—and yet I have done just that and more for the sake of a relationship.
It is the promise of the magical and sometimes mythological romantic love union that we, as women, long for—the holy grail of connectedness, affirmation and security. There’s a little bit of Effie White in all of us, simultaneously demanding, pleading and hoping that the one we love will love us back in the same soul-deep way that we love them. But just like Effie, this almost desperate pursuit of love puts us at risk of being “ruled over” and ultimately rejected.
Does that mean we doomed to forever be the footstool of the men we love? To use an analogy from sports, the best defense is a good offense. Perhaps we just need to be on guard for this inheritance from our mother Eve—to know it’s a part of our nature to give until there’s nothing left, look for the warning signs, and slow down when we see that we’re heading towards oblivion.
So, to answer at least one of the questions that I posed initially, I don’t know what really happened to Lauryn Hill, but if she indeed “fell off” for love, I guess can’t really blame her.
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend
-- I Used To Love Him from The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
To the woman He said, I will greatly multiply your grief and your suffering in pregnancy and the pangs of childbearing; with spasms of distress you will bring forth children. Yet your desire and craving will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.
-- Genesis 3:16 (Amplified)
During one of those 360-degree conversations that always happen when literate, music-loving, black women gather, the question arises, periodically, “Where is Lauryn Hill?”
As is the custom for these kinds of free flowing dialogues on love, sex, faith, politics, etc., my first response was strictly for entertainment purposes. “What happened? What happened is that Marley Boy, that’s what happened!”
That got a collective belly laugh as we went on to the next topic, but it made me think about a much larger question. Why does the fall of a woman always seem to involve loving a man?
Now the truth is we don’t know what has “happened” to Lauryn Hill. What I do know is that when Lauryn came on the scene, she was a breath of fresh air. Genuinely talented, naturally beautiful and undeniably intelligent she was a bright, shining example of what is best in young, Black womanhood and the best possible (at the time) reflection of the hip-hop generation. Perhaps we just put too much on it—imbued her image with too much power and invested too much in what she represented to us—namely a reprieve from the dominant brain-dead, booty-shaking bimbo iconography that seemed to dominate music and pained so many of us. But for whatever she meant to us, we loved Lauryn and we were proud to be associated with her.
But just as fast as she came and dazzled us with her brilliance, she went. And in the place of the Lauryn we knew, there was a new creature—stripped down, and bare beyond recognizing—claiming that the woman we fell in love with was all a lie. That we had all be deceived, once again, by the sinister spin machine of the ‘Babylon’ music industry. Personally, I found myself repulsed by what seemed to be a big, fat case of artistic arrogance thumbing its nose at the rubes (us) that couldn’t tell the difference between art and artifice.
Then the rumors began to surface that her husband was behind the so-called melt down that led to this new threadbare Lauryn. Demanding, and controlling her every move, there were reports that he had been known to manhandle her—that her will was being subjugated physically, emotionally and spiritually by the man she loved.
Again, no one knows if these allegations about Rohan Marley are true. Only two people know what goes on in that relationship, and they aren’t talking. And I am old enough to know that everything isn’t everything (shameless Lauryn Hill lyric pun here) between couples, particularly those seen in the public eye.
But it was very easy, almost too easy, to believe. Easy because we all have in our collective memory stories of women who have lost their money, dignity, freedom, mind, life in the process of loving. Statistics on the instances of violence against women, prison rolls, and our own experiences support our sense that loving a man contains an inherent danger—that of losing our selves.
Often when I think of women losing themselves to men, I am reminded of the scripture in Genesis 3:16.
To the woman He said, I will greatly multiply your grief and your suffering in pregnancy and the pangs of childbearing; with spasms of distress you will bring forth children. Yet your desire and craving will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.
In context, God is telling Adam and Eve the consequences of their disobedience to his command regarding the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Each of them has consequences that are specific to them as well as consequences that they experience together. The scripture refers to the consequence that Eve, and by association, we as women, will experience as a result of the entrance of sin into the world.
I have read this scripture many, many times, but only in the last few years have I come to suspect a connection between the second part of this scripture, and the experiences of women who give of themselves beyond sacrifice for the sake of love, only to be “ruled” over by the man they love. Could this be the reason? Can I point to this as God’s hint to us about the nature of relationships between men and women? Is there inherent pain in trying to create something tangible out of our relationships? Are we as women driven, almost desperately so, to have relationships, even at our own peril?
The post-modern womanist in me wants to reject that notion out of hand. I dare not admit in the day and age of Oprah and Hillary that it is possible for me to lose myself over a man. I am too smart, self-assured, together, faithful, etc.—and yet I have done just that and more for the sake of a relationship.
It is the promise of the magical and sometimes mythological romantic love union that we, as women, long for—the holy grail of connectedness, affirmation and security. There’s a little bit of Effie White in all of us, simultaneously demanding, pleading and hoping that the one we love will love us back in the same soul-deep way that we love them. But just like Effie, this almost desperate pursuit of love puts us at risk of being “ruled over” and ultimately rejected.
Does that mean we doomed to forever be the footstool of the men we love? To use an analogy from sports, the best defense is a good offense. Perhaps we just need to be on guard for this inheritance from our mother Eve—to know it’s a part of our nature to give until there’s nothing left, look for the warning signs, and slow down when we see that we’re heading towards oblivion.
So, to answer at least one of the questions that I posed initially, I don’t know what really happened to Lauryn Hill, but if she indeed “fell off” for love, I guess can’t really blame her.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
M.R. Original
Yoda says to Luke, during Jedi training: "Do or Do Not. There is no try." These words are cannonized by many Type A personalities such as myself. Long before I knew who Yoda was, my father was full of whitty cliches that my brother and I now refer to "Russims." Today he shared with me a conversation he recently had with a childhood friend about the obstacles they had overcome [which by the way currently consume our community as a whole] single parent homes, in the projects, limited income, free lunch, public schools, racism, stereotyping, discrimination, racial profiling,etc....Many a self-made, bootstrapping person has looked back in wonder at the friends (and family) unable to take the leap and overcome the dire situations. In his conversation with his buddy, they talked about the Haves and the Have Nots. Daddy in all of his infinate wisdom has surmised that the Haves and Have Nots of today are the Do's and Do Nots of yesterday. Those that did nothing got nothing and those that did something are in a place in life where they never thought they would be simply because they chose to exceed the expectation of the current day..... I dare say, they had the AUDACITY OF HOPE we see in our current political climate. Here's to every little black boy that defies the odds whether or not he knows. That's why I love them so. I'm not sure I could ever give up on them. I have to keep giving my best effort. At some point this will all be worth the ride. 
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Crime & Punishment
This may come as some surprise
that I miss you.
I could see through all of your lies,
but still I miss you.
Is it a crime,
that I still want you, and I want you to
want me too? (sade)
I grew up in a household where discipline [punishment] was implemented with speed and fury. I have always HATED punishment. When I was caught, my parents were swift, consistant and just. There was no 2 weeks restriction, loss of privileges for an undetermined amount of time. Call it chicken or egg, but I don't know which came first. My parents punishment reduced my patience for long belabored punishment. There were times when my dad would make me wait, just to make the punishment worse. He'd come home, have dinner, watch the news, have desert, take a shower and then right when I got in the bed, he'd awaken me with the famous line : "this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you."
Dating is neither consistent, swift nor just, and the punishment is a long and arduous process. For the past year, my dating "mojo" has been in the Bermuda Triangle. I have had experiences so bad that I am willing to give up on the hopes of ever finding that special someone (again). Then one night I had a thought: I am being punished by the dating gods for a terrible transgression I committed a long time ago. See, I am used to getting my punishement when I committ my crimes. My mother's favorite saying is : sometimes you have to beat the puppy where she shits. This is also the philosophy of dog training. Is it possible my mother consulted a dog training book during my formative years? nahhh During housebreaking, if you do not address the behavior when it occurs, then you can not punish the dog afterward. They do not understand delayed punishment.....What separates us from animals is that we are supposed to know better. When you know better, you do better.
The other caviate is that the punishment must fit the crime. I committed a dating crime and I am being punished in the dating arena. I have been dating the ultimate jerk and I have been enduring it, because I felt I deserved it, but you know what? My bid is over. I have been reformed. I see the error of my ways. I am ready for release. I have served my time. I am FREE (again).
I'll never be
your Beast of Burden,
My back is strong
but it's a hurtin
that I miss you.
I could see through all of your lies,
but still I miss you.
Is it a crime,
that I still want you, and I want you to
want me too? (sade)
I grew up in a household where discipline [punishment] was implemented with speed and fury. I have always HATED punishment. When I was caught, my parents were swift, consistant and just. There was no 2 weeks restriction, loss of privileges for an undetermined amount of time. Call it chicken or egg, but I don't know which came first. My parents punishment reduced my patience for long belabored punishment. There were times when my dad would make me wait, just to make the punishment worse. He'd come home, have dinner, watch the news, have desert, take a shower and then right when I got in the bed, he'd awaken me with the famous line : "this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you."
Dating is neither consistent, swift nor just, and the punishment is a long and arduous process. For the past year, my dating "mojo" has been in the Bermuda Triangle. I have had experiences so bad that I am willing to give up on the hopes of ever finding that special someone (again). Then one night I had a thought: I am being punished by the dating gods for a terrible transgression I committed a long time ago. See, I am used to getting my punishement when I committ my crimes. My mother's favorite saying is : sometimes you have to beat the puppy where she shits. This is also the philosophy of dog training. Is it possible my mother consulted a dog training book during my formative years? nahhh During housebreaking, if you do not address the behavior when it occurs, then you can not punish the dog afterward. They do not understand delayed punishment.....What separates us from animals is that we are supposed to know better. When you know better, you do better.
The other caviate is that the punishment must fit the crime. I committed a dating crime and I am being punished in the dating arena. I have been dating the ultimate jerk and I have been enduring it, because I felt I deserved it, but you know what? My bid is over. I have been reformed. I see the error of my ways. I am ready for release. I have served my time. I am FREE (again).
I'll never be
your Beast of Burden,
My back is strong
but it's a hurtin
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Is it REALLY REAL?
Is it Real son?
Is it really real son?
Let me know it's real son if it's really real.
Something I can feel son
Roll it up and kill one
Let me know it's real son if it's really real.
Method Man
Is love real? I am starting to have serious doubts. When you think about it, it's not really something you can touch. You can feel it, I think? When you are "in love" , but can it be touched? If you hold it up to the light can see it? Emotions in general are elusive and not the same for all people and for that reason, I am beginning to put love in that category with the boogie man. I was really legitimately afraid of him when I was a little girl until the day I realized he didn't really exist. The fear that embraced me, was nothing more than a figment of my (overactive) imagination.
Love is the grown woman's boogie man. It lurks in the corners of our hearts and minds. It makes us afraid of life without it. It makes us tolerate things we are not comfortable with. Imagine a little girl sleeping under the covers many hot August nights afraid of the boogie man. My parents (founders of tough love 101 if you ask me) forced me to literally sweat out those long nights until I came to challenge my fear and realize there was nothing to be afraid of.
Now LOVE has me out there dating like a maniac. Putting up with situations in hopes that love will show and prove. Looking all around, really believing it's out there....MOVING ON YOUR LEFT...
Is it really real son?
Let me know it's real son if it's really real.
Something I can feel son
Roll it up and kill one
Let me know it's real son if it's really real.
Method Man
Is love real? I am starting to have serious doubts. When you think about it, it's not really something you can touch. You can feel it, I think? When you are "in love" , but can it be touched? If you hold it up to the light can see it? Emotions in general are elusive and not the same for all people and for that reason, I am beginning to put love in that category with the boogie man. I was really legitimately afraid of him when I was a little girl until the day I realized he didn't really exist. The fear that embraced me, was nothing more than a figment of my (overactive) imagination.
Love is the grown woman's boogie man. It lurks in the corners of our hearts and minds. It makes us afraid of life without it. It makes us tolerate things we are not comfortable with. Imagine a little girl sleeping under the covers many hot August nights afraid of the boogie man. My parents (founders of tough love 101 if you ask me) forced me to literally sweat out those long nights until I came to challenge my fear and realize there was nothing to be afraid of.
Now LOVE has me out there dating like a maniac. Putting up with situations in hopes that love will show and prove. Looking all around, really believing it's out there....MOVING ON YOUR LEFT...
Saturday, January 12, 2008
They are who we thought they were!!!!
Happy New Year, and can I just say that 2008 is really gonna be great. NO RESOLUTIONS TO MAKE OR BREAK. My basic goals and aspirations remain the same. Corny as it may sound, I think the sky is the limit and that the level of expectations we have for others should not exceed the expectations we have for ourselves.
Dating in 2007 has taught me more about myself than that other gender. When I have found myself in a quandary about men, I am reminded of my new favorite Coors Light Commercial, (which you can access through this blog on the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IzbWUJxDZw). Quite simply we know they are from Mars and we are from Venus. They are bi-polar and we are manic depressive. They medicate with sports and beer, we may choose shopping and martinis. It's really all good as long as you remember who you are dealing with.
A Maya Angelou quote to Oprah, that she repeats incessantly is: When people show you who they are, thank them. This past year, I dated a man who perpetually stood me up, and another who had the terrible habit of not returning my phone calls. These are two traits I detest yet I endured. When I reflect on it, I have no logical explanation for my behavior, but their behavior remained consistent to who they really were (and are). I broke my own cardinal rule. I lost valuable time with redirected disappointment toward them. It was easier. Safer. Now the focus in 08 is on me!!!!
2008 is the year I stop putting myself last on my list. I won't be second to work, to friends, to family, to men, to anyone. Although I do treat myself well, I treat others better. I give them more opportunities and chances for correction. I don't remain upset with them, but like many of you, I am very tough on myself. This year,I am gonna take it easy on the girl in the mirror. She does her best and she deserves a break and I'm gonna give it to her. The first break she gets in 08 is a break from DATING. That's right!!! I am gonna start 08 off on a moratorium, regroup (again) to get some other things straight in my life: career and cash, then I will get back on the horse.
This year started off with a wedding. My good friend tied the knot with her college sweatheart. It was a beautiful and romantic ceremony. I know that my faith in love remains. Speaking of faith in love...I also have a friend who has had a successful run at the on-line dating thing. I'd love to tell you her story, but I know she can tell it better. I am hoping this year, you have resolved to post comments on this blog. It ain't no fun, if the homies can't have none.
Dating in 2007 has taught me more about myself than that other gender. When I have found myself in a quandary about men, I am reminded of my new favorite Coors Light Commercial, (which you can access through this blog on the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IzbWUJxDZw). Quite simply we know they are from Mars and we are from Venus. They are bi-polar and we are manic depressive. They medicate with sports and beer, we may choose shopping and martinis. It's really all good as long as you remember who you are dealing with.
A Maya Angelou quote to Oprah, that she repeats incessantly is: When people show you who they are, thank them. This past year, I dated a man who perpetually stood me up, and another who had the terrible habit of not returning my phone calls. These are two traits I detest yet I endured. When I reflect on it, I have no logical explanation for my behavior, but their behavior remained consistent to who they really were (and are). I broke my own cardinal rule. I lost valuable time with redirected disappointment toward them. It was easier. Safer. Now the focus in 08 is on me!!!!
2008 is the year I stop putting myself last on my list. I won't be second to work, to friends, to family, to men, to anyone. Although I do treat myself well, I treat others better. I give them more opportunities and chances for correction. I don't remain upset with them, but like many of you, I am very tough on myself. This year,I am gonna take it easy on the girl in the mirror. She does her best and she deserves a break and I'm gonna give it to her. The first break she gets in 08 is a break from DATING. That's right!!! I am gonna start 08 off on a moratorium, regroup (again) to get some other things straight in my life: career and cash, then I will get back on the horse.
This year started off with a wedding. My good friend tied the knot with her college sweatheart. It was a beautiful and romantic ceremony. I know that my faith in love remains. Speaking of faith in love...I also have a friend who has had a successful run at the on-line dating thing. I'd love to tell you her story, but I know she can tell it better. I am hoping this year, you have resolved to post comments on this blog. It ain't no fun, if the homies can't have none.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)