A CLASSIC

There is a book. Many people swear by it. It is a classic and difficult read, but has a lot of meaningful insight. I have read and re-read it upon the suggestion of [MEN] friends: The Art of War by Sun-tzu. The following is a gleening the jist of it. Let me know what you think, or thought of the book if you have already read it. Do you find these rules applicable to the single's scene?
LAYING PLANS

Sun Tzu said:
The art of war is of vital importance. It is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.

The art of war is governed by five constant factors, to be taken into account in one's
deliberations, when seeking to determine the conditions obtaining in the field. These are: (1) The Moral Law; (2) Heaven; (3) Earth; (4) The Commander; (5) Method and discipline.
The Moral Law causes the people to be in complete accord with their ruler, so that they will
follow him regardless of their lives, undismayed by any danger.
Heaven signifies night and day, cold and heat, times and seasons.
Earth comprises distances, great and small; danger and security; open ground and narrow passes;the chances of life and death.
The Commander stands for the virtues of wisdom, sincerely, benevolence, courage and
strictness.
By method and discipline are to be understood the marshaling of the army in its proper subdivisions,the graduations of rank among the officers, the maintenance of roads
by which supplies may reach the army, and the control of military expenditure.
These five heads should be familiar to every General: he who knows them will be victorious; he
who knows them not will fail.

Therefore, in your deliberations, when seeking to determine the military conditions, let them be
made the basis of a comparison, in this wise:--
(1) Which of the two Leaders is imbued with the Moral law?
(2) Which of the two Generals has most ability?
(3) With whom lie the advantages derived from Heaven and Earth?
(4) On which side is discipline most rigorously enforced?
(5) Which army is stronger?
(6) On which side are officers and men more highly trained?
(7) In which army is there the greater constancy both in reward and punishment?
By means of these seven considerations I can forecast victory or defeat. The General that hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer: let such a one be retained in command!
The General that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it, will suffer defeat:--let such a one be dismissed!
While heading the profit of my counsel, avail yourself also of any helpful circumstances over and beyond the ordinary rules. According as circumstances are favorable, one should modify one's plans.
All warfare is based on deception. Hence, *when able to attack,we must seem unable; *when using our forces, we must seem inactive; *when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; *when far away, we must make him believe we are near.
*Hold out baits to entice the enemy. *Feign disorder, and crush him. If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him.
*If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may
grow arrogant. *If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united,separate them.
*Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected.
These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.
Now the General who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple wherever the battle is fought. The General who loses a battle makes but few calculations beforehand. Thus do many calculations lead to victory, and few calculations to defeat: how much more no calculation at all! It is by attention to this point that I can foresee who is likely to win or lose.
If you'd like more info on the book, the title to this blog entry has a link to a useful webpage.

I gotta new attitude

"I'm feelin good from my head to my shoes
Know where I'm going and I know what to do
I've tidied up my point of view
I've got a new attitude"

I almost gave it all up (again and again), but I can proudly type the Patti LaBelle lyrics because they are so uplifting and because they are true. Ladies, how many times must we learn from Madonna that reinvention is a necessary part of life? Smart folk like to call it EVOLUTION.
This dating thing, that I have likened to a roller coaster is more like a washing machine with an extended spin cycle. I really should have started on the gentle setting, I never do things nice and easy. Through it all, I have remained myself and I know now what I've always known (and frequently say about others): I'm single for a reason. I haven't reached the point where my desire to compromise exceeds my desire to be my bold, audacious, unabashed self. I still (in many ways) associate relationships with a degree of opression and self-denial. Not because that was my experience, but that's what I see in this post 30's dating. I must be dating the wrong men.

A little B once told me that I was single by circumstance not by choice (a play on my own words I might add) because my circumstances were that I didn't have any good choices...OUCH. That stalled me out for a long time. Had I set my feet on the path for eternal singledome?


Around this time, I also realized that I suffer from Henny Penny Syndrome. You know she was the little chicken who couldn't get any of her friends to help her make the bread, so she made it and she ate it all by herself. I think my mom shared that story with me to prepare me for a life all alone. A life with no one to help me through. And yes, this is how single women remain happy, but I am not talking about a man. I also know how HPS can be counterproductive at work as well. I recently inherited a big project that I just HAD to do alone. Now quite naturally I have spent the better part of my weekend belly aching about it, but again, nobody said I had to do it ALONE. Henny Penny went through it alone when she could have at least been more persistent with her friends. That's what I am going to do.

I've got a bunch of friends out there. They read this, they laugh at me and with me and now I am asking them to put it in writing. C'mon: Faithnluv, CaliGurl, JillontheHill, QueenTiye it's time to type up and type out. I know you have stories, I have heard them. Put them down. Right Here. Right now..or should I say Write Here and Write Now.

Let's do this TOGETHER. Invite your friends to check it out and to check in. I need your inspiration. You know I have had a wild year (and a half). The Dating God's have blessed me with story after story,but after series of misses, I have the writer's block of a lifetime.

Recent conversations with my ex opened wounds I'd work long and hard to forget. I will never be able to explain how his weakness(es) make me weaker. It forces me back to the table with my uncertainties and insecurities, if only for a second...I'm back though. That was a brief and painful visit to a place I never willingly go, but I'm in control, my worries are few...OOh OOh...OOH OOH OOOOH...I'VE GOT A NEW ATTITUDE.

A Natural Woman

Looking out on the morning rain

I used to feel so uninspired.

And when I thought I had to face

another day,

I used to feel so tired..

Yep! That's where I am: Tired of the whole thing. I am on the brink of giving up. I have searched to discover that all the love I really need I have within me, and all the love I think I need can not be found in these traditional methods. I am fully prepared to toss in the towel and admit defeat with eyes wide open.

Modern day dating has far more loop holes and conditions that our predecessors were exempt from. Technology, advanced degrees, income and tax brackets have created a world where men and women have "options." The result in this busy hustle and bustle world is that all things are optional to someone, and priorities are "relative" to everyone. What is important to one is not always the same for the other.

So I have shifted my focus to other "more important" issues in my life. You know, the same pursuits that made me single in the first place: My Family, My Finances, My Career, Going on Oprah and Finding my ONE TRUE PASSION (whatever that is). I wholeheartedly believe in pursuing those things because they are more attainable than real love and the end justifies the means.

Is my current love interest the REAL DEAL?

Is my current love interest the REAL DEAL?
I had an on-line Tarot reading. Just for the heck of it, and let me just say: IT WAS ON POINT!!!
Try it for yourself.
By clicking my question, you will get an insight to my reading. If you know me, you know that the thing standing between me and my next true love involves domestic issues. I can not stress how accurate this was for me. I think you all should try it to disprove it!!!

Always a Lady

Mrs. Gloria Jean (Russ) Ellis was my aunt. She was my father's younger sister and she was the kind of woman I knew I wanted to be. Strong and smart. Flawless and fierce. A wife and mother. An aunt and sister. A beautician and soprano. A million things, but above all, she was always a lady.
Aunt Gloria-Jean (Ant Jean to me) left this world a better place than she found it.
She put beauty and love in everything she did with a quiet and deliberate
confidence that Russ Girls are known for.
The embodiment of a SENSUAL WOMAN
The Food,
The Voice,
The Beauty.
Last week (06/19/07) she passed away. On this earth, or elsewhere, she will always be my aunt and she will always be with me. She will always be a LADY.

Permission Slip

Remember when you were younger if you wanted to participate in an activity, you needed your parents' permission? You actually had to take a permission slip home and it had to be signed. I know, somebody actually forged a few (I won't tell). No matter how it was signed, it gave you the green light to go on the field trip, see the movie, go camping with the French Club or whatever, without your parents actually accompanying you. One little signature on one little piece of paper was your passport to unlimited possibility.
Modern day students do not have the same luxury. In fact, these forms are now referred to as consent forms and have such a legal, and technical implication, that it doesn't seem as fun as those permission slips. I think they are missing out on the art of permission. It is lighter than consent. It can free you to be happy. Consent implies that you know there are risks and you will not take legal action if something bad happens. Permission allows you to go ahead, try it, enjoy, be happy.

All I really want is to be happy.

Well today, I want to develop and create my own permission slip for happiness. Except in lieu of my bad attempt at my mother's signature (which was easier than my father's to forge), I will sign it myself. And instead of leaving my parents behind, I will leave my insecurities and fears behind. This permission slip will give me the green light to go have fun without them. This essentially has the same effect of the signed piece of paper.

I give myself permission to be happy.
To experience life (alone or with someone) to my fullest capacity.
I acknowledge that there are a number of risks involved in dating (and just about anything else including but not limited to: scuba diving, ski diving, big game hunting in the Sub-Sahara, juggling flames and knives) which are outweighed by the possibility of rewards.
I am willing to accept full responsibility for my own happiness and enjoyment.

How can I LOVE somebody else?

If I can't LOVE myself enough to know

When it's time to let go?

mjb

I'm Still Standing

Tonight I heard Irreplaceable by Beyonce, and I thought it was cute. It gets you through that superficial moment when you are forced to diss and dismiss a brotha. I love incorporating music lyrics in my blog to lighten up the tone. However, there is a song I must share in it's entirety. It is one of two that pick me up whenever I slip,trip or lose footing on this journey. There are days weeks and months when this dating thing seems more complicated than ever. The deeper I have gotten, the less I realize I know about dating, men other women and yes, even myself. If I have made nothing clear it is that this thing is a lesson in trial and error (heavy on the errors). One minute it's all peaches and cream. It looks like it's shaping up to be the beginning of something wonderful and positive and straight outa a chick flick and the next it is just a bad Lifetime movie where the woman gets the short end of the stick.

To my girls: Keep your FAITH IN LOVE. It will let you down, but it will come around. If you feel that you have fallen and can't get up, remember whether you think you can or think you can't, you're probably right. I think that's Henry Ford. More importantly, I'd like to share my favorite Elton John song lyrics. Hit iTunes (or wherever) play it loud and sing along!!!

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ICE.
And there's a cold and lonely night that shines from
you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide
behind that mask you use.

And if you think this fool could never win
well look at me I'm coming back again
I've got a taste for love and a simple way
And if you need to know why I'm still standing,
you just fret away!

Don't you know I'm still standing, better than I ever did.
Looking like a true survivor. Feeling like a little kid.
I'm still standing after all this time.
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind.
I'm still standing.

Once I never could hope to win
You started down the road
leaving me again.
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if my love was just a circus
you'd be a clown by now!!! <- my favorite line.


Sure the body and the lyrics are poignant, but it is the chorus, what we now call the hook, that gets me through many a bad dating experience, even a bad day or week at work. It is my mantra to the bad luck birds that like to drop poop on my convertible.....

I'm still standing
Better than I ever did.
Looking like a TRUE SURVIVOR!
Feeling like a little kid.
I'm still standing
After all this time.
Picking up the pieces of my life without you ON MY MIND.
I'm STILL STANDING.

Proof that 30 is not the new 20

Boys 2 Men

Keep on learning,

Keep on growing

Wisdom helps us understand

We're maturing

without knowing

These are the things that change boys to men.

Whoever said 30 is the new 20 is under an illusion.

30 is still 30 and 20 is still 20. The difference is that the standards and the level of expectation for a modern day "30 something" are similar to the responsibilities and lifestyle of a person in their 20's back in the day.
See back then by the time people reached a certain level of adulthood, maturity met them at the door and they gladly welcomed growth into their lives. On the contrary, modern day 30 somethings are avoiding that visit like the plague. We are doing all we can to avoid the mundane reality of growing up; being a grown up. We make more money. We have more options, and we want to enjoy life a little longer before settling down for real and for true.
Add to this equation the given disparity between the genders and you have an abundance of single women and boys running amok. The result leads to the quagmire that is dating.
Our single predecessors did not have this problem, because when it was time to settle down, once upon a time, both genders assumed the position. Think about it, if you knew of an adult, maybe an aunt or uncle who was single in his or her 30s back in the day, he or she was either divorced or widowed.

It is the prosperity that we enjoy that has created the dating scene we hate. This scene has fragmented people and put them in descriptive boxes like political parties. We now accept or reject people on the bare minimum without getting to know who they are on the inside. Simple comments describe and dismiss a potential match: She has pretty feet. He is a baller. She drives this. He works there. She has this many children. He has that many houses. She is too perfect. He is too tall. She needs to give up carbs. He could stand a personal trainer. She went to this school. He pledged that fraternity.

In the end two adults who should be mature approach one another like adolescents in the high school cafeteria. Yeah, remember for a minute what that was like. I had one of the best childhoods on record. Adolescence was fun for me too, but when I was younger, I couldn't wait to grow up. I was tired of being a kid. And even now, with all the adult responsibilities that aren't so fun: bills, bills and more bills, I'd still rather be grown. This dating thing can become tiresome because there are a lot of boys out there holding on to a childhood that is well past its' prime. If in your life, you have done all you could do with what you had, then move forth. It is past time for grown ups to start behaving like grown ups.
There is of course plenty of blame to go around. Women can afford to lighten up and men could stand a dose of Miracle Grow. In the end, though, both parties have to want it mutually. If you know anything about youth, you must understand that it is contrary by nature and the opportunity to be on the same accord fleets as quickly as it arises, much like a butterfly. Maybe this is just one of those metamorphosis that has to be observed from the outside. I mean if you catch a butterfly, it will eventually die right? Is this fleeting thing just as fragile? I am beginning to wonder myself.
The one bit of advice I can think of at this point is to work on yourself and the rest will fall into place. If for example, I am contrary (which by the way I am), I can not be upset when I recognize that trait in others. I have to work on me. I have been working on me, but I had no idea there was so much work to do. The Law of Attraction teaches that if we all focus on being the embodiment of the person we love, then it will attract that same love to us. I haven't got a lack of love for myself, but I do have a couple of "ways" that come along with me. If I expect a person to tolerate those "ways" then I have to in turn do the same. It is afterall what grown ups do.

April Fools

You search for Love,

but life won't let you know

That in the end,

you'll still be loving him,

but then he's gone.

It takes a fool to learn that

Love don't love nobody

You know this dating thing becomes less fun as the months roll by, and not by the way because I am not dating. On the contrary!!! Having dates is like having another job. As I have mentioned in the past, listening to HIS-story can get, well tedious. That's where being a fool can really work to your advantage. It can work to your advantage when you consider that some of the happiest people we know are fools; they love folly. My goal in these next few months is to enjoy the folly of it all. When we take things so seriously, we miss the simple, fun, humorous side of life. It gives new enjoyment to even the most critical events, when we color them with the lightness of folly. In your day to day dealings with people in general (co-workers, friends, and yes men) it is a tumultuous task to catch every slick and sneaky, corrupt and cruel, fictional and factual game being run. The reason for this phenomena is that most of the games are in our heads. We get so caught up in catching someone in the act, that we don't enjoy the basic law of happiness: let go! Control is an illusion. When you realize you have no control over another individual, only your own happiness, you are free to focus on the pursuit of your own happiness. This rule is so easy, yet so hard to follow and a long time ago, there was a song that simply pointed out : EVERYBODY PLAYS THE FOOL, SOMETIMES. There's no exception to the rule.

One of my mother's favorite quotes is : fools rush in where Angels fear to tread. It is her constant refrain for the daughter she raised with a limited amount of patience and impulse control. In this SSL (second single life), I have kinda taken off quickly a few times too many. It seems like the right thing to do at the time, but we all know that speed kills. This is why I have really made a concerted effort to take my time. I am really in no hurry. I know when I started this, that I expected things to unfold in a timely manner. I expected Mr. Wonderful to present himself by now. The truth is, there are many many men out there with a quality or two that appear to be the makings of The One (again), but when held up to the light, something on the inside has been missing. This thing requires more quality control.

It makes me think of a friend who has been car shopping. We all know how car shopping turns the most educated, liberated, savvy, contentious, consumer report readingest woman into a damsel in distress. Suddenly we are uncertain of our own ability to determine a good deal or a safe buy. This is a domain that turns us into women we know but don't like. Even in this day and age with the Internet, Consumer Report, Kelly Blue Book, Lemon Laws, www.carfacts.com and www.carmax.com we wish someone would just appear and take care of it for us. This ordeal is right up there next to swimsuit and jean shopping for me. I wish I had Ivana Trump's money, so that I could pay someone else to go through it for me. Well looking for (and ultimately finding) Mr. Right is a personal task. One only we can do, because if we do it right (or wrong), we have to live with the results. Just like buying a car, we have to test drive it, visit multiple dealers and be willing to compromise on the features we consider optional, but not budge on those we deem crucial.

Whether testing out a new-to-you car or a new-to-you guy, just remember to take your time.

MARCH MADNESS

It's that time again. The NCAA Basketball Championship Tournament and I am all in. I have my brackets all filled out and I can't wait to see who will be the last team standing. This year however, I refuse to get MAD. I will enjoy March, but not the madness. The whirling dervish of the tournament brings out the best and worse of sports (hoops in particular). The same holds true for this dating thing. I am enjoying it, for the most part, and I am refusing to become a bitter, jaded ,hateful, single woman. I have to admit to those of you who really know me, that this isn't always easy.

The epiphany that MARCH MADNESS always makes clear to me is that there are a lot of teams. Many of them are good, some are better, but there is no way to predict the outcome and choose a winner RIGHT NOW. The games must unfold. There will be upsets and predictable victories, but not until the final TWO teams meet for the championship will the winner be established. And even then, there is never an outright winner. There will always be a degree of controversy over what would have happened if this team had played that team instead of the other team. That is where the madness comes in. It will make you mad if you sit and think out all of the possibilities, so I must remind you to keep the 3rd agreement: assume nothing, and keep on rolling with this. It is bound to be a fun trip once you establish your destination.

I am reminded of a recent road trip that took forever. In the past, this city is one I'd fly through to get to a bigger city further down the road. Often, I wouldn't even stop for gas in this city. It was just a way I marked time and distance. I knew once I got to this city, I had reached the halfway point of my journey. This particular trip to my halfway point seemed to take twice the time and it was because this city was my destination. The miles seemed to drag before me, and the trip home was even longer. The road trip was an opportunity for me to get out and jump back in with the pack. And was it ever a pack. Good thing I had a co-pilot. There were men everywhere and it was like the old saying "water water everywhere and not a drop to drink." There were so many [available & unavailable] men, I literally didn't know where to start. I couldn't have began to know where to start. To make matters worse, I was there with a man. This actually improved my stock. In their own habitat, I find men to be very comfortable and secure. Despite the presence of competition, they act like a bunch of boys in a locker room. It had a very harmless vibe. All and all, the trip showed me (and my co-pilot) that there are plenty out there, and in the right environment, they are willing to chance rejection
Tonight, I had a long talk with my oldest sister, about nothing in particular, but as usual, she made a profound statement. When you make something you consider simple your ONLY goal, it suddenly becomes the hardest thing to achieve. I have a confession: All this dating was starting to get hard, and I was about to abandon the project. I have taken men for granted for a long time, and now that finding that ONE RARE GEM has become a chore. It's because it had stopped being fun (only for a second).
So I took a time out, regrouped and I am back on it. Back to saying PERHAPS.

Even though I had an eventful road trip, I had an even more eventful solo mission in my own backyard recently. I had an opportunity to get my hands on access to the hottest ticket in my hometown (yes another): State High School Basketball Tournament.
This whole story unfolds in the strangest of ways and it forces me to say RIGHT HERE that you should NEVER rule a man out based on the fact that at that moment that you first meet him, he has nothing to offer you. This was a classic case of the toes I almost stepped on SEVERAL TIMES being connected to the cheeks I'd have to kiss. The one man I have spent several seasons avoiding turned out to be my VIP pass into the place I had spent hours trying to get into. Friends of mine who had paid for tickets were turned away after waiting hours in line. Lucky me, I got to walk in the "special door" and had floor seats. Several hours and several drinks later, it turned out that all he ever wanted from me was a little conversation. We ended up having a nice night and may even get together again.... stay tuned.

I know this much is true

So true, funny how it seems,

Always in time, but never time for dreams.

Head over heels when toe to toe,

This is the sound of my soul

To thine own self be true. This bears repeating a million times because it is so relevant. There have been times when I have actually questioned myself and wanted to throw in the towel on this. The self-examination is exhausting and it can be cruel. If you are like me, you are your worst critic. We have to remember that we are doing this for ourselves and because we want to! In every other capacity of life, we are true to ourselves, and this time should be no different. This is a mantra that has less to do with being true and genuine to yourself and more to do with understanding, enjoying and appreciating yourself. The old ladies say and it is true that you must first be good company to yourself before you can be anything to others. Which brings me to my next point:

Flying solo isn't so bad.

I'm known to walk alone

but I'm alone for a reason...

A pack is only good on a hunt where the objective is to kill. If your plan here (like mine) is to find and keep, you will be better off on solo missions. There is an episode of Seinfeld where Elaine likens it to catching a squirrel. She says " When you are trying to catch a squirrel, you don't go up to it and scream HEY!!! SQUIRREL!!!! No, you gently and quietly set your trap and coax it with lots of little squirrel treats. When we invite our friends, in large quantities, we run the risk of scaring off our potential suitor, or worse scaring off theirs.

There are other ways that rolling with a large group of "girlz" can be more cumbersome than you realize.
Today I took myself out to lunch and was amused (or frustrated) by a conversation by two girlfriends at the next table. One friend was trying to convince the other to address the issue of exclusivity with her man. Basically providing her with all the advice she could stand. Something I learned from the boys a long time ago is that we (women) tend to allow our (single) friends to have too much input with our relationships, and later wonder what went wrong?? Remember ladies, as you embark on this journey, less is more. Travel light. This also frees us up to another quality guys have that we don't: The ability to stick and move. When a man flops (in life or in love), he goes to his corner, licks his wounds and gets back in the game. On the other hand, when we mess up (whether in love, with a family member or at work), we spend countless hours commiserating. My divorce taught me a lot about how mulling over things and analyzing them does not make them better and it does not make the pain go away. It only makes them stick around a lot longer than they need to. Being angry or sad doesn't make you feel better. I have fallen off the romance horse too many times to count, but I am committed to this and as a result, I just get back up, dust off and get back on. Failed attempts do not make me a failure. If this dating has been taking it's toll on you, keep moving. You know the saying: If at first you don't succeed......blah blah blah.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing better than having a shoulder to cry on or a pal to share a laugh with, but you must take inventory of the people in your life who are in your corner. And shed yourself of those who are weighing you down. Everyone has an agenda, hey, even your mother just wants grand kids. We all have those friends that are on a different program. You want a quiet stress free weekend, they want to party. You are on a diet, her life is a giant buffet. You are trying to get your budget together, shopping is a way of life. You are looking for a quality relationship, she is auditioning for women gone wild. You are a social butterfly, she is a hermit crab. It is our nature to attract different kinds of people in our lives. Some have even said that our friends are merely an extension of ourselves. A different part of our personalities, if you will. However, if you have a friend or friendship that has become laborious in your quest for your other half, it may be time to evaluate the friendship. I now understand how friendships come to an end when one of the friends starts dating or gets married. That is why I am suggesting you evaluate your friendships NOW. On this journey, your friends will make their opinions known. They will either openly support you or criticize you quietly. In these times, observe actions more than you listen to words. Are they really on your side or in your way??

WARNING: A woman alone is dangerous!!

I have had some of my most infamous encounters on solo missions. I have met exciting men, gone to exotic places, been in parts of my own city that I didn't even know existed, been swept away by a stranger all by myself. Besides the obvious safety in numbers philosophy that we learn as little girls, in certain social (safe) settings, it is perfectly okay to be by yourself. Sure people will put the DIVA label on you, but I'm convinced that in the original definition, DIVA means a sometimes lonely lady. This should not be a stigma. Think of the DIVAs that come to mind. When observed, these women are not in large packs. Few women are actually on their level. They are equally captivating and intimidating, but a formidable gentleman will take the risk. I like to think that few are on my level. It sounds conceited, I know, but really if I don't think highly of myself, then who will? I know my limits and I work daily to exceed them. I am really trying to be the best that I can be to last me all of my days.

So there's your task: get to know yourself and really enjoy your own company. If you find yourself lonely instead of alone, get a dog!!!

Just another day

February 14 has a very special place in my heart. Not for the obvious reasons. It is, well was, my wedding anniversary. Corny, I know, but hey, we went to Vegas and it was the special that weekend. Like most girls, I can't resist a special.
The other special nuance about February 14th is it coincides with High School Basketball Division Playoffs in my region. Many a winter, my now ex-husband and I would be forced to cancel or rearrange our dinner reservations to catch the game. That's just how important sports is to me. There is a concept in tournament play involving seeding and strategic losses. Believe it or not, if you are not the all out winner, it can sometimes be in your best interest to have a strategic loss. By losing, your seeding can give you a favorable position in tournament breakdowns. See, the best team always plays the worst team and the second best plays the second worst and so on. In a situation where the 4th-7th teams are not so evenly matched, a strategic loss can give a so-so team and advantage.
Being single is like that too. Sometimes you may have to lose to win. I know it's Valentine's day. I know it can be the single person's nemisis, but think for a minute of that friend of yours who on the outside has all the trappings of the love gods favor. This is a difficult time for that person. There are obligations and responsibilities, that they may not even want or be prepared for. It almost becomes a cliche and "unfun" (if that's even a word). For me and my ex, it lost any value or meaning because we knew we HAD to celebrate it. The real fun for us was the one thing we couldn't predict: the outcome of the game.
Your attached friends and family members go through the motions of V-Day and for all we know they are barely speaking to their significant other. Their relationship may be on skids, but for V-Day they put up a front. They are among that second seed team playing "not to lose." In sports, this is called : Prevent Offense. It actually causes even the best teams to lose.
I think it is best to be happy single than to be miserable with someone else. It is true that sometimes you have to lose to win. It doesn't make you a loser. You are a winner in the long run when you can take inventory and recognize that you have yourself intact. If you are ready to dive back into the dating pool like me, you have options. The first is to get out of your own way. You gotta like you first. Having said all that, this year don't forget to treat yourself like you love you.
One of my mantras, during some undisclosed ephiphany was:
See who you want and be who you want in the mirror.
See who you love and be who you love in the mirror.
Yep ladies, that's right: To thine own self be fabulous. There are numerous opportunities out there and you have to be there and be ready.

When I was home for the holidays, I shared my blog with my (sometimes cynical and ever critical) cousin. She asked me for quick easy ways to meet guys. I gave her my short list of suggestions:
1. Be where they are- sporting events, sports bars,the gym, resaraunts. It is a myth that there are all these cute guys in church and the grocery store. If they are at the grocery store, they are in the "already prepared food" isle, or they are somebody's husband.
2. Volunteer- Habitat for Humaity and Political Campaigns are excellent for finding a man who is good with his hands or has a strong opinion. You will at least find a sparring partner or get your faucets fixed (both of them).
3. GET ACTIVE- Any sports here works. Run a marathon, go snowboarding, take surf lessons. It's where the boys are when the girls are in the mall. Volunteer at your local gym for scorekeeping or officiating recreation league sports.
4. The next time you get your car serviced, don't forget to speak to the service manager about extras like detailing and connects for your vehicle. BOYS LIKE CARS.
5. Tell a friend. You have friends who don't know you are ready to be back on the market. You haven't told them because you think this makes you sound desparate. YOU ARE NOT!!!! Don't be mad if they think that. You have no control over what people think. Just enjoy the personal references. Some will be misses, but there may be a hit among them. When you need a new beautician, nail person, mechanic or any other service professional, you rely on referrals, why should this be any different? Call it networking, and roll with it.

Don't miss an opportunity during these long winter months to enjoy your own company. I guarantee you that others will notice and you will have your options available. It is options, not diamonds, that are a girl's best friend. My friends tell me it's my phermones that cause the fellas to gravitate towards me. I disagree. I have more fun when I am walking my dog, than most people have all day. Fun is contagious. It is attractive and it is the best accessory.


So remember to get yourself out there and more importantly, ENJOY YOURSELF, ENJOY YOURSELF, ENJOY YOURSELF FOR ME!

Superbowl Sunday

Everything I know about life
I learned from FOOTBALL.


By now you know that I am a sports fan. As Superbowl XLI approaches I am inspired (in the weirdest way)to show how this relates to our quest. Yes I said OUR. I know I am not alone, and I'm not just counting those voices in my head. My latest epiphanies are:

Losses don't make losers
There will be losses and victories along the way, but it doesn't mean you won't make it to your ultimate goal. The teams in the hunt for the Superbowl have actually lost games throughout this season, but they have continued to play the game and play the numbers. A winning team knows that they just have to out win the other team. As elementary as that sounds, in dating, it is easy to become discouraged by a setback or loss. We have to remember that we will fall off this horse (unicorn) many times. Our determination to get back on will be the thing that keeps us in the hunt for our goals. A sports cliche is WINNERS WIN.

The season is long.
Anything worth having is worth waiting for. 18 games into the NFL season, a winner has not been selected yet. Even for teams who have had their final loss, there is preparation for next year. The game never ends. The winning team thinks of ways to keep winning and the losing team studies ways to defeat the other teams. Players are traded, coaches are fired, trainers are hired. Work is constant. If this were a process that took place overnight, I wouldn't be typing and you wouldn't be reading.
It may take a few seasons to build a winning team. There will even be turmoil, confusion, trades and free agents that come along and change the overall appearance of your "dream team", but the goal remains.

Nothing really good is easy to find:
One of the things that has made my second single life more complicated is the pool of men is much more shallow. In college, there were men everywhere. I was never at a loss for a date. The numbers were just a little better. But as I look back, they weren't really so great. If we are honest with ourselves, there may have been a couple cute Kappas, that one sexy Que and those few Alphas with potential. As a matter of fact, if they were worth a darn, we would have left college with our MRS degree.

Ain't nothing like the real thing:
I have friends who have resorted to all the cute, new little web based services that promise to fix you up with your one true love. They boast of large databases and intricate personality profiles. The Internet has changed the world. It has offered things at a lightening fast pace, but there are some things in life where you might want to kick the tires. In modern sports this takes the form of FANTASY SPORTS, an entirely re-invented form of the game where couch potatoes can create their own dream team by pretending to be General Managers who pick and choose the best statistical players. Weekly stats are computed for individuals to make up team scores and fake winners and losers are chosen. IT is quite complicated and has NO REAL basis in the sport. IT is MAKE BELIEVE; FAKE; PRETEND. Men however, prefer the term FANTASY.
I use the Internet (obviously) for a number of things and I compare the dating pages to the shopping pages. Whether on the web or in the mall, the rules of shopping still apply: SHOP AROUND. I think you all can relate to shopping experience. When you are looking for that special pair of patent leather slingbacks with a 3" stacked wooden heel, in your size and in your budget, rarely do you find it on your first trip to the mall. Even on line, you may visit several sites and never find that one special thing. So, what is it you say I suggest we do? Keep looking! Keep working!
KEEP PLAYING and in the words of Oakland Raiders' owner AL DAVIS:

JUST WIN BABY

Game Time

There's rules to this thing,
I made myself a manual

Even though I consider this dating thing somewhat of a game. A game I have plunged into with both feet. It is important to recognize that games are to be PLAYED. Of course, the desired outcome is to win, but in this game you have to first define [the thrill of] VICTORY and [the agony of]DEFEAT. If it is overcoming fear of being with someone; Fear of being alone; finding my ONE TRUE LOVE (for the 2nd time); finding someone to just pass the time; reestablishing ones self in the "singles market." The list can be long, but basic game rules that still apply are:
Keep your game face on at all times. I'm not just talking about your impeccable M.A.C. face. There will be situations where you will feel your flawless exterior, no matter how well polished, beginning to crack under the pressure. Many times, this pressure has actually been self-created. Remember to consider the source of the stress. If it is you, then YOU MUST STOP IT. Get out of your own way and allow things to progress on their own, let go of the reigns. Hold on to your game face and preserve it.

Don't over react. Avoid the urge to kill a gnat with a sledgehammer. There will be BIG things that happen. Conversely, there will be small things that will happen. It is important that the reaction fits the event. To coin a phrase: "Don't sweat the small stuff." When he misses your call, shows up late, doesn't get the door, can't remember that you are scared of spiders, loves golf more than you, etc., tantrums must be kept to a minimum. Think about the famous basketball coach Bobby Knight. He is more famous for his OVER reaction (throwing a chair) than his coaching skills. He has one of the best records in the NCAA, but his behavior has overshadowed his knowledge. Too many tantrums can leave a lasting impression and misrepresent those things that make you special.

NO RISK NO REWARD
In high stakes games and investment banking it is sometimes necessary to take a gamble. Extend yourself a little beyond your comfort zone. Take that deep step. The higher the risk, the greater the reward. You must first assess an appropriate value to your desired outcome and your worse case scenario. You must be willing to sacrifice it at some point for the sake of saving it. Yes ladies, there are times when we have to lose to win. What we must never lose, though, is ourselves. That's why a rule to remember is: To thine own self be true

Last but certainly not least: HAVE FUN!!!!
This is not supposed to be torture. It is supposed to be fun. If it becomes too stressful, or you find yourself thinking, saying or doing things that are out of character for yourself, then by all means: CALL TIME OUT. Don't quit, just catch your breath, REGROUP and get back in there!!!

IT'S GAME TIME!!

Rollercoasters

The whole purpose of going to amusement parks is to get on the biggest baddest roller coaster you can stand right? Even if that means enduring that long line filled with antsy children, hormone enraged adolescents who can't think of any other way to pass the time than to make out and annoying adults wearing the forsaken fanny pack. I believe there is only one thing worse than tolerating all of these things for hours to scream at the top of your lungs for the 2.5 minutes of the actual ride and that is a new convenience of modern technology: the scream cam. It's that camera set up to take your picture at the very worse possible time. When you are screaming, crying, and yelling with your hair going in many directions, never to return. To add insult to injury, many places actually charge a fee for you to purchase this photo.
In the 70's dance hit: Love Roller coaster, the ebb and flow of love sounds so fun and catchy. Then there is reality. See when you become involved in this dating roller coaster, you must be prepared for the twists and turns ahead. There is no sign before you get to the front about women expecting are discouraged from riding without the approval of a doctor. No one to give you the cursory warnings of an amusement park employee over that cute little microphone: "Keep all valuables close to you and your arms and legs in the car at all times. Remain seated and if your seat harness is loose, please let a member of the scream team assist you. For your own safety remember to keep all personal items on your person at all times. Lastly (and this is my favorite), we are not responsible for articles lost or stolen."
These warnings all apply to dating..
Women expecting are discouraged from riding. That's right. If you expect this to be a smooth and pleasant experience, GET OFF NOW. If you really think Prince Charming is waiting at the end of this line, please head directly to Fairytale land where the rides are smoother and there is neither a height requirement nor a warning label.

And YES, you are going to lose personal items and things that are valuable to you. Things like your sanity, your peace of mind and your self respect. That is of course, if you don't keep them close to you and inside the car at all times.

UPS, DOWNS, TWISTS and TURNS are subject to occur at anytime and without warning. There are days in dating where YOU LIKE HIM more than
HE LIKES YOU, but then HE WANTS YOU more than
YOU WANT HIM, however, YOU NEED TIME TOGETHER and
he wants TIME APART.
This ebb and flow changes so much that YOU HATE HIM when
HE LOVES YOU and then YOU WANT SPACE, but
HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU and you think you CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIS PHONE CALL and then you wish
he would just SHUT UP.
He thinks YOU ARE TOO CONTROLLING, but
he just wants you to TAKE A STAND and MAKE THE DECISIONS, then
you TALK TOO MUCH, but then you are TOO QUIET and he thinks
YOU POUT when
you ask him WHAT HE'S THINKING
he asks you WHAT'S THE MATTER
and the answer to both questions is a resounding NOTHING!!!
Before you know it, you have become the woman in the scream cam photo, just an ugly version of yourself that you hardy recognize.