Emotional Actuaries

During the semi-annual soul searching session with my oldest and dearest friend, we plan how this year is gonna be different. How this is the year we finally break the cycle and let someone wonderful into our wonderful lives. This is the year. "He is out there." "I am ready" we proclaim as we survey a lackluster scene, to let love in.

This particular summer night as we contemplate Mr. Right and his imminent arrival comes the concept that we both know to be a truth about LOVE; it is too much risk for an undisclosed reward. When you stack it up against being an accomplished secure and satisfied single woman, a relationship would have to take me above and beyond where I already can get to on my own. Taking a loss is NOT and OPTION. A situation would have to ENHANCE my life only. Baggage, babies mommas, credit scores and other negative assets don't even come on the radar. They are automatically null. The risk has to be non existent and the reward has to be Great. You may be saying to yourself, well isn't that too good to be true??? My answer is NO, it's just like finding a needle in the haystack. It's there...... somewhere. The dilemma is that my unwavering cynicism wins many a battle in that we know the order is a tall one, yet we hold out hope for it. The conflict is the vetting process is so thorough, I wonder if Sir Lancelot would have made it to the round table with us on the case.

Experience has warned us that if there is a game being run, it won't be at our expense. The B.S. radar is highly sensitive and many would-be suitors are easily dismissed on technicalities that would put the FIFA World Cup officiating team on notice. I was raised by a man who taught me that there is always a "mark" and if you can't tell who it is, then it's you. I approach most interactions with this concept in mind. I work hard and fast at reading social interactions and making the best decision. It has made me very good at what I do professionally, and very single personally. My friends posses this same skill set and have the ability to read a room, a situation, or a person with a cunning that is both quiet, confident and immediate. We are always holding things up to the light to get a closer look and better understanding. I rarely associate closely with women who can not read the tea leaves so to speak. I recently coined the phrase "Emotional Actuaries." By that I mean we have mastered the art of examining risks and placing a value on replacing items based on what "might" go wrong. Your heart, is very hard to replace therefore in the highest of value.

You see, none of us have the luxury of time nor money to fall for "pie in the sky" schemes of any type. Whether it's lose 10 lbs in a week, Earn a million over night, 60 second Abs, or turn back time in 15 minutes with this easy facial; a hustle is a hustle and from this standpoint, LOVE IS A HUSTLE. My own personal history is not so tragic that I should never trust my heart to anyone. The negative situations that lead to the end of my marriage were not life ending and real life women go through divorces everyday. Everyday women bounce back from failed relationships and love again, sometimes even better than the first time. It's not the fear of heights, I once blogged, but the fear of falling (and hurting myself) that keeps me on this safe little perch. This is not logical considering I have fallen once, bruised myself and recovered. I know it will sting initially, but I would be okay if I just took the leap. It never stopped me from racing dirt bikes as a child. It never stopped me from climbing trees. I have even played with fire on more than one occasion. It baffles me that I am unable to take this step. I can hear my childhood playmates voice in the background "What's the matter??? YOU CHICKEN???" To which I would reply NO! and JUMP.

Spin Cycle

You spin me right round

baby right round

like a record baby

right round

round round



I am FINALLY detecting a pattern. There is a clear seasonal flow to my love life, due mostly to my work schedule. When things are hectic at work, my love life is non existent. I don't even yearn for that special someone to come home to. I rather enjoy the silent compliance of my dog and look forward to our long weekends together.

Then the HOLIDAY Season approaches and old familiar flames rekindle. This is the result of the general feel good warm and fuzzies that spark in us all during the cool weather high holiday season. This is also the time my College Sweat Heart and my Ex-Husband start feeling all sentimental with the calls, gifts and visits.



After the holidays come the DEAD of Winter. This separates the Men from the Boys. When the snow is up to my knees and my furnace is on her last leg I am the most vulnerable. The good news is that only a small select few are willing to brave the elements and warm my heart.



When the thermostat rises, so does the temperature in my office. Conversely, my love life goes into a tailspin. By June, men I haven't heard from in a million years start calling trying to get into the rotation. These summer loves are thoughtful, however, time is not on their side. I have lost any and all interest in them because I am busy tying up loose strings at work and preparing for the much needed vacation with my family. This is when they want me the most.



This year I have decided to look at the cycle and try to fix it. I am trapped in a bad version of my favorite movie; Groundhog Day. In the movie Bill Murray is trapped in the same day over and over again until he figures out how to correct his mistakes. I am trapped in the spin cycle and am trying to figure out what lesson the Universe is trying to teach me. What am I doing to remain in this holding pattern? Is it just my comfort zone? Am I a part of the problem and not the solution?